Sunday, May 14, 2006

A beautiful internal world...

My wonderful, intuitive, intelligent boyfriend and I are fighting a lot recently; perhaps, primarily, because I'm coming home after eight months of being abroad and this understandably causes some anxiety.

One thing I do not like that my boyfriend, F., does is that when he is frustrated at me, he is rather nasty, yells, and basically just goes into attack mode. He did this the other night, over a small upset that I was feeling, because he became defensive. Granted, in many ways I'm hard to deal with because I am very emotional and sensitive. The slightest insult becomes huge in my mind and sometimes seems to foretell the doom of our relationship. I am hard emotionally to deal with. The joy of this relationship though is that F is too - so we have to work equally hard for each other and grow a lot in the process.

Overall, we have an amazing, almost ideal (for me), relationship. It's very much based on a mutual understanding and respect for each other and each other's postion. We connect beautifully and we grow through the validation and love we find in each other. We both want to love each other unconditionally - quite a feat, perhaps impossible to attain, and yet I think even the pursuit is worth a lot.

In many ways, F., though, has had a very hard time. He is so loving, intelligent, and sensitive that he was often misunderstood, pushed back, unrecognized, invalidated. When I met him he was very angry at the world. I think that some of that anger has gone away from meeting me. It's amazing what a little validation can do - but, of course, I can't change the world, just make little differences - the anger is still there.

I did believe before I met F that I needed to protect myself from the men in this world that would tear me down and pull me apart. One thing he has taught me is the importance of faith and the importance of letting go the control. I worry a lot. But, I'm starting to let that go, and the need to be in control. I keep trying to control the situation by thinking it to death, and trying to handle the issues immediately so they won't haunt me later. It's not the most terrible thing I could be doing - but it's overkill - and it makes me anxious and fearful.

Recently, I've just let go of a lot of that. I've decided to believe in a wonderful future. Yes, I may be disappointed - but, as F pointed out, I don't regret anything I've done this far - why would I start just because I'd decided to believe?

But that fear and anxiety is just a product, I believe, of our society. I often wonder if we aren't too quick today to say that we must take care of ourselves first. I wonder if we aren't too quick to say we should leave at the first sign of wrongdoing, leave when 'love' dies, leave when we are 'not happy,' leave when we do not feel some sort of satisfaction that we've been searching for our whole lives. Essentially we are choosing not to love. Maybe some people need to learn to love themselves first and that's part of the move - maybe it IS necessary - I don't know. But it seems to me we are losing something huge in this lack of faith, commitment, trust - in this mass movement to protect ourselves.

This quickness to choose to not love, I believe, comes from our lack of faith. But if there is another place, if there is another world, then the fact that someone is treating us badly doesn't matter. Or, even if there is no other place, still here, what matters is our internal world. What happens in this world to us, which we can't control, doesn't matter. What matters is how we respond to it - what matters is our internal world - which we have the power to create.

F is wonderful. I am so lucky. I've been thanking God everyday since I met him, and it's because of him, in many ways, that my faith in goodness, meaning, and love has been renewed. If someone, even just one person, can love so well then it must mean that whoever created him loves even better. I've remembered my desire to have a beautiful internal world regardless of what has happened in this world.

So, I've decided I believe in unconditional love. I've decided I believe in trust, faith, God. F may yell at me when he is frustrated, for the rest of our lives. He may never do exactly what I want (in fact, I can count on that). He may not succeed according to society's standards. He may not always treat me perfectly (although he does a really good job). But I think what's important is that I give him as much love as I am able through it all - and through that he will become, and has already become, a better person.

I believe he is sort of my charge in life, and I am his, and we may hurt each other terribly - but if we do not leave, if we make the active choice to love no matter what, we are doing something amazing. We are proving that unconditional love still exists in a world like this. That no one needs to feel they are not good enough, that they need to be better looking, that they need to be better educated, etc. in order to be loved. We will be proving that everyone is good enough as they are.

I can feel the cynicism and the mocking already, but I choose to believe in faith. And, I've had some pretty hard knocks in my life, although in many ways it's been a very nice life. I am not simply naive. I am naive - but choose to be so. I believe in love.

It's either that or add to the pain in this world, which I never want to do.

I decide how I feel, what I think, who I am, how I will act regardless of what life throws at me. I pray for the strength and the faith to carry me through. But I will not blame the world if I make unloving choices - the responsibility for my choices lies with me alone.

Much love to everyone who would like some love. Always feel free to write, post up, comment, disagree. This place is safe.



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