Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Doubting Doubt and Fear

We all know money doesn't matter. But we all act like it does. Because the fear in our hearts tells us that if we don't, we will be alone, and hungry, and lost. Which might be true.

I was brought up to know that I am self-sufficient and capable. I will never need money because I will always have, or work to have, the skills to make enough. I will never need money because I know that I don't really need much in the end, anyway. But, in the process, I was also taught that being able to take care of yourself is very important. I was taught that working hard is important.

F, my boyfriend, has really made me think about my values in life. If you haven't already read the glowing praise, he is wise beyond anyone I've met, strong, sensitive, kind, aware. He understands people around him and takes care of them. And they have no idea. Partly because he doesn't need them to.

But things of this world are very hard for him. He understands love, and hate, and greed, and fear, and depth, and himself, and me, and you to an extent that most couldn't begin to even understand. He is an amazing musician, a gifted writer, and extremely knowledgeable and thought-out on many current issues today (politics, religion, health...). But is he 'responsible' about the worldly things in his life? Not really. Not because he doesn't want to be, not because he doesn't see where he's going wrong, but just because he wants to please so badly that he shuts down. He has a hard time finishing things (though he's getting better!), he procrastinates, he is scared to try sometimes because he's scared to fail.

He is so gifted and intelligent, powerful, and aware, I have a hard time believing he won't make it somewhere. He has intelligence, talents and people-savvy galore. He is great at selling himself. He has no problem telling people he's the best - and they usually believe him. He is a hard, responsible, dependable worker. I believe he will make it to a place where he is happy, which is all I want for him.

But I don't know that. I have no proof. He does not have a college degree to prove his potential to me or a good job or even a solid plan. He's only twenty two. But he is twenty two, and he is still living at home without a solid income - he's working, though, very hard on a business he started with a partner (which has occassionally brought in a decent amount of money) and taking some classes at a county college. Many, who don't get him, probably think he's irresponsible and immature - including his parents at times - but I believe we all have very different paths - and I believe he is on his - even if it seems a very winding path.

Not to mention he smokes - which scares me. My mother smoked until she died of breast cancer - which she always insisted was unrelated despite any evidence to the contrary. Anyway, he plans to quit by 25, but who knows?

So it's my choice which I make everyday. I can leave his beautiful love and support, the health I've gained from him, the connection, the understanding, the complete genuiness and honesty in search of all that in someone who also has met the worldly requirements of my snobby society. I can abandon him and show him I actually don't have faith in him. Or I can believe in him, I can believe in God, I can believe in life's meaning, I can believe in love.

I'm choosing love and I believe in that choice. But it is a decision I have to work toward everyday in order to fight the fear in me.

What choices have other people made? What were the results? Any words of inspiration? Anyone relate? I'd like to know...

Much love,


At 5:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Believe in love! And ignore "the world." Check out "Enchanted Love," by Marianne Williamson, a great book that argues well against the lies the world will try to get you to accept so you can settle for being a disappointed non-believer like most everyone else.

God bless you and your honey,

--a 40-year-old devoted believer


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