Structuring My Day - An Unstructured Unfocused Discussion of Myself

I wake up - I know I have nothing I have to do - and often this sense of doom comes over me. I feel like I should be doing things, and yet it is such an effort to do any of them. Technically, there's nothing I HAVE to do right now - but there's always those things you're told to be doing - cleaning, exercising, studying for something. It's paralyzing and I often find myself spending the day trying to distract myself from the feeling of doom.

Today I woke up (about five minutes ago, in fact) and I felt it a little but definitely much less. I'm still feeling a little confused as to how to handle this day ahead of me (which I honestly don't want to share with anyone here) and how to fill up the time.

But amazingly the vitamin b and/or mineral supplements have changed my life to a huge extent, and the doom feeling is much lighter than it has been for the past year or so.

I love to work...in fact, I am probably at my happiest when I'm working. I love to teach, to help others move forward, to learn about them and their experiences. I sometimes dread going to work, but, in the end, it is meaningful, and I am drawn out of myself, time flies. I really do love it. And I get so excited when the kids really get something - it really makes me feel alive!

Yet I always need, desperately need, time to recharge. And honestly, if I do exactly what I want - that means I will often watch movies or read books all day long - and very happily. Of course, now I'm in a foreign country and it's just not as relaxing to read in French, English books are few and far between, and my crap DVD player is very picky about which movies it will condescend to play.

But regardless of whether I have movies or books or not, I always do feel like there needs to be a point to my day which involves other people. (Although lately, I've been over-extroverting so much that that point is now satisfactorily played out when I go to the grocery store and say, "Bonjour, ca va?" and "Merci, bonne journee!" to the check out person.) But anyway, is it okay that I just sit around for full days at a time? Yes, I think I just need to let myself be. Learning that I am an introvert has been extremely helpful for understanding that I need this time to just recharge and reenergize and that that is ok. And, it's helped explain why no one else I know (except my boyfriend who can also be a very social person) is really like this.

And perhaps the domination of life's expectations by extroverts (since they are, after all, the loudest) is what creates the doom feeling in part - I always feel like I should be DOING something - I should go for a walk, or a bike ride, or talk to one of the 'friends' I'm constantly ignoring. But, geez, I just want a rest. I have no desire to see anyone (except those I love - that's different - I can see them whenever). I just want to be let be.

I think the hardest part is that it is Friday night, and tomorrow will be Saturday night, and I have this implanted feeling that I should be out for at least one of them. And I could go - I have friends here that would welcome me. But I am not particularly stimulated by their company - or something - it's just not fun.

If I were with any of my friends from home - one to four of us would go out and get a few drinks, we would dress up a bit but that wouldn't be the point of the night - and we would get some beer or something enjoyable and talk about our lives, our loves, our problems. And I would be happy. I never used to be one to say 'no' to an invitation very often - but that was because I really enjoyed the people. I didn't realize how special they were and how lucky I was to have found them.

I'm really enjoying this blogger thing, though. Really. I like the formatting here. I like that I can have different topics - and that, after I write something, it is not possible to do what my ADD brain normally finds a way to do - and lose it. Each topic has a title, and I can write about all my many interests and passions - and they will be there to look up later if I forget about them, or need a review. And I can go back and add stuff, and have links. It's perfect for me. It's like an organizational system for my mind. I'm typing quickly to get stuff out lately - and each thought is kinda brief (at least for me lol) because I am so anxious to put each thought in its requisite folder so I don't lose it in my mind or on my computer and I will be able to find it again. At least if I get it down, it will be easier to remember to add to it later.

Anyway, I often find myself structuring my day - when I have a big empty one like today - where the sun is shining and people are wearing tanktops outside (I should really go work on my tan at the beach - its a good walk there and back so I get exercise and it's beautiful - but I just want to rest!). Anyway, often I structure around one activity or meal preparations. This is how it looks so far:

1) computer stuff - checking email, writing here, reading stuff about my job placement for next year (just got info about that yesterday!)

2) make an omelet for breakfast/lunch with lots and lots of fresh veggies, some cheese, and brown rice.

3) walk down to the video store which opens at 3 and select two videos. Buy some fresh fruit and green tea on the way - am out of those. Watch one video.

4) do the dishes my roommate so kindly left me before she went on her trip (this is the second time she's done that. grrr. not fair. anyway, i'll do them if I feel like it - I probably will because I like to cook in a clean kitchen).

5) Cook dinner...hmmm....what to eat...probably a hamburger patty with garlic and onion (very healthy to eat lots of garlic and onion) and asparagus sauteed in a little oil and with a squeeze of lemon and maybe some more brown rice.

5) Watch second video.

6) Talk to my boyfriend who's still at home and I miss very much for probably an hour or two (we talk a lot - I love him very much and he is so similar to me that it's scary).

7) Go to sleep.

Wow. I love being able to write here and get stuff off my mind. If anyone relates - as usual - please feel free. But if not, I am happy to know there are lurkers... :). Thanks for listening.