Sunday, April 09, 2006

For my poors thoughts which I have oft forced quiet :)

I am starting this blog because I think a lot. I'm very interested by personality, or soul, or mind, or thought, or spirit - whatever one would like to call them - and I am constantly driven to make connections and pull things together - look at how they work together. In this blog, I intend to write on the new ideas I pull into my understanding of myself which I often then generalize to others.

Now, several things will impede my progress as I begin this blog:

Number 1 is my constant self-criticism. I cannot write without critiquing what I write, rewriting it in my head, wanting desperately to make it better - more witty, more caring, more understandable, more complex. But, alas, in this blog - it is only a blog after all - I will refrain as best I can and hope my meaning comes through.

Number 2 is my ADD - one of the things I will be writing about (with luck) in the blog. I am passionate, creative, intelligent, very understanding, driven, and accomplished. On the other hand, I tend to start things I don't finish, procrastinate, become disorganized, and think associatively instead of linearly (meaning I have a hard time writing in a line, my thoughts always take me off on little tangents - sometimes this is a good thing, sometimes just irritating). For example, right now I desperately want to talk about ADD but I'm trying to maintain my linearity. Yet, perhaps that is a fight I'd be best surrendering to - perhaps a little subject wandering would actually be charming.

Number 3 is my extreme desire to connect to other people. I suppose, in my associational thinking sort of way, I thought of this now when it really belongs up top under why I'm writing this blog in the first place - shall I move it - or shall I continue? This is not a school essay after all. Well, anyway, that desire to please, if I offend or make people angry on this blog, might stop me from continuing it. However, it also might help if people understand what I'm saying.

Number 4 is that I've never written a blog before - never read too many and don't really understand them...not sure how the mechanics work and mechanics are not my strongsuit (because of my ADD explained above).

Now, about me -

I am an INFP though everyone (except my roommate who watches with amazement as I stay reading a book in bed all day for several days in a row) would think I was a normal, social, cheerful extrovert - but more on that later. I am very intuitive and understanding, though, sad to say (or is it - perhaps it's for the best), I am not psychic. I do, however, find that a deep conversation - or a not so deep one depending on the other person - gives me a pretty clear view into why another person does what they do - their motivation - and what their insecurities and hopes are.

I am creative, thoughtful, and considerate. I would love to find someone else who is these things to talk to - who REALLY understands themselves (self-awareness is the first step I do believe as does Krishnamurti - perhaps more on him later - very good but it seems to me he's missing something) and cares about this world, about other people, who wants to find meaning in their life.

Anyway, I am also ADD. Many books, such as Lynn Weiss's books on ADD and creativity, I think are on the right track - in that perhaps ADD is not merely a deficit, but in some ways an advantage...associational thinking is tricky, but if you can harness it's wild untamed ways - sometimes it can take you a long way. However, I struggle, STRUGGLE, with minimal tasks like getting my laundry done, paying a bill (I have the money - it's sending the check that's hard - where are those damn stamps and envelopes when you need them????), telling my phone company I will be cancelling their services as I am moving, etc. Daily life is very difficult for me.

(NOTE TO SELF - things in bold are ideas for later discussion)

But as an intelligent (ok, this is a blog, no one knows me, I will be arrogant - or as the love of my life says, "not conceited, convinced"), - as a gifted introverted empathic person, I have the ability to focus my concentration on things I'm passionate about (and we'll have to see, for example, if the passion for this blog lasts or this will be the only post I ever make) for huge amounts of time and really devote myself. So, I do make some headway in acheivements despite the disorganization that the ADD causes and the overwhelm of being an introvert and a HSP (highly sensitive person) (another thing I am that I will be talking about with passion's will.)

Finally, I am young - 22 - and perhaps have not experienced enough yet to know what I'm talking about - but I've probably spent as much time in thought and observation as your average 55 year old - well maybe (I'm an P in the Meyers Briggs so it's hard for me to make certain statements) - but anyway, I think so. And I use 'anyway' a lot to bring myself away from the subject back to the point at hand. I graduated college last year with highest honors and a double major in English and Psychology, am living in France teaching English for the year, and next year will, if all goes well (though I've been accepted so it should) will be working as a Fellow teaching highschool English in disadvantaged areas of NYC. I lost my mother to breast cancer two and a half years ago when I was 19. She was a very strong, very intelligent, very loving woman, and that changed my world forever - but has resulted in a huge amount of growth for which I'm thankful in the end.

My interests: music (voice, guitar (very basic), writing music, some comp synth stuff), poetry, PEOPLE, life/death, religion (as a philosophical question - I am not 'religious' persay but am in some ways), empathy, intuition, ADD, bipolar, French, life's meaning, creativity, writing, meyers-briggs, introversion/extroversion, giftedness, genius, love (mature, romantic, ideal), reading, philosophy, education (specifically the best way to teach/learn - policy - local/domestic/international), nutrition (slightly against medicine) and politics (not really liberal - I know, I went to a liberal school and had liberal parents and have liberal friends - go ahead, tear me up - but at least wait til I blog on it). Whew. I even tire myself out. And there are more things - but I've been trying to narrow down - although I seem not to have done as well as I thought now that I look at this list. But anyway, I like to bring everything and anything in together. Because I don't believe you can look at life, humanity, a soul as anything but a part of something very large.

Please, if you are interested in ANY of this stuff - and I don't know how this works - how anyone will even view this post - but If you are interested by any of it - or something in what I've written connects to you - or if you have any opinions and would like a debate - I am up for it!!!!
I would love to hear from you....

I am understanding so say whatever you want - but try not to be mean - that just makes me sad...

And if the passion strikes I will be posting a lot more, probably highly controversial posts, on many I hope to hear from some of you!



At 8:26 PM, Blogger half said...

Don't worry we're listening. But we lurk.


At 9:13 PM, Blogger jenniebee said...

ok! thanks for telling me - it's good to know... :) i'm very friendly in a sincere way though - i promise - if the passion strikes - do write...


Post a Comment

<< Home