Wednesday, April 26, 2006

My Search for Your (?) Love

My Best Friend S. ...

I had a fantastic week with my friend in the west of France. We really connect and get along, but there's always been some uneasy areas. Something clicked this time and we may have moved past some of the difficulty. S, my best friend, is a very intelligent, creative, hard-working, and caring person. She had a good childhood, but her mother died of breast cancer when she was nine, and from that time on I think she often had to fight for attention, was always regarded by her step-mother as a problem, and regarded by her older siblings as a tag-a-long. She has always been one of the people to best understand me, and yet, perhaps because of all that childhood stuff, she is very self-reliant, reserved, maybe a little afraid of intimacy. So, she has left me alone at times when I could've used her help. She has, however, also been there at times when no one else was.

The Importance of Those Who Stand By You...

It's amazing that your mother can die (or more honestly), that my mother can die, and in the year following, few people realize that you (I) need them. My boyfriend of five years couldn't handle the extra stress and left me in a terribly hurtful and destructive way. My best friend at school decided she couldn't talk to me anymore because she couldn't handle it, as she put it. My best friend from highschool, S went to study abroad in Ireland - which was fine, of course. But when, I went to go see her for Christmas so she (and in some ways so I) wouldn't be alone for the holidays she, to make a long story short, went back to the states, leaving me to go to Ireland without her there for most of the three week backpacking trip or on Christmas (I had my other friend (who declared her intention of never speaking to me again shortly after, but she's Jewish so no Christmas... :P).

Anyway, I don't know how everyone felt okay doing these things, but to lose these three (my mom, my boyfriend, my best friend from college) IMPORTANT people in my life within a period of one year was a staggering blow. Looking back on it, maybe I haven't done such a bad job in pulling through the last few years. But, if nothing else, S stayed and that has made a huge difference through it all. We had fights, but she's always stayed. I believe she always will - because she sees my value and believes we are good for each other. And that has mattered a lot at many times.

My mother took care of me...

Part of the problem, undoubtedly, is my own self-possession. My mother took care of me very well, so I didn't really need anyone else too much. And despite my sensitivity, I knew that people didn't mean to hurt me, they just didn't know better, and that my mother loved me truly. So, instead of burdening them with my sensitivity, I learned to hide it, or just talk about it with my mother who would help me understand how other people could hurt me but not mean to really hurt me. Few people would claim to know they have an understanding of what's going on in my head. But I do tell people, I just have a hard time showing it very much because it doesn't usually work out very well.

My boyfriend, F. ...

My boyfriend of a year and two months now, and thank goodness for him, is the only person who has ever looked at me and gotten it. He both sees my pain and can see and value the way I love others. He knows my motivation; he understands that I hurt. Most people have no idea. I guess, how could they? Before him, I didn't even know I was hiding.

The Down-side of a Strong Image (because it is always only an image)...

So, I visited with S and I just let it all pour out. I just kept talking and talking. I just wanted her to understand! and to approve! and to smile! You wouldn't think any of this would matter to me if you looked at me. I have always been told I carry myself with self-possession (as I said) as well as strength and confidence. I'm quite pretty; I've been told I'm stunning or striking at times. I'm intelligent, capable, responsible. And people are entirely fooled - to my detriment often. I don't mean to do it - I don't even know it's happening.

Moreover, I always keep calm and loving and supportive and understanding when others are angry at me, so they don't realize that I need things too. And I didn't really before my mother died. But I had no one to take from after she died and it was a terribly lonely feeling. When I tried to be honest and lean on others some, people left.

Having someone to lean on...

But, the sun is shining a more vibrant hue because S understands, at least somewhat, because she made me a snack for me for the train ride back, because she said I looked nice in my shirt, because she didn't tell me I was doing things wrong, because she listened, because she was happy to be with me, and didn't walk away. I have someone to lean on at least a little.

Why is this so hard for people? But thank goodness some people can do it - just be around me and love me.

Now are you someone who knows how to love well?

I may need your love - depends who you are. I don't care what the crowd thinks; I don't care if you're cool or wealthy or successful. But I care if you really think, if you love, if you seek to grow. Do you? S does, I've always known that. And my boyfriend really does. But who else out there does? There must be others and I will find some of them. Will you someday be another? Are you the type of person who someone can lean on, who someone can expect to be there for them, who understands, who loves, who needs, who grows? If you are I want to get to know you. Because I am a person like that, and I need to find some more. Maybe we can lighten the load for each other just a little bit.

Much love

As usual, love the comments! Excited I have a few! Thanks everyone for listening. And haha some of you are quite funny I see. :P


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