An Empathic Mind

Deepak Chopra quote

2006-05-19T20:30:00.000+02:00

"When you find a genuinely loving person, as you have, you will see that you are in his heart not because you look a certain way or act a certain way, but because he is following his own nature. Loving others is just the easiest way he knows how to be. When you realize this, the whole problem of not deserving is exposed for the illusion it really is. "

-Deepak Chopra

Mother's Day

2006-05-14T20:31:00.000+02:00

Well, I've been feeling sad for the last couple hours - even crying at one point. I realize that for perhaps the first time this year I am listening to a Billy Joel cd and I realize, also, that it is mother's day. This is my second mother's day without a mother. But I can still remember her - and maybe that's what I need to do now right now.

I don't really believe in coincidences. I didn't know it was mother's day (I'm not sure the French really celebrate it) but yet I put Billy Joel on - Billy Joel was my mother's favorite. I'm listening to Billy Joel's last, or one of his last, cds - the River of Dreams CD. I always liked it, but my mother always liked it much more. Now, as I get older I realize why.

In this CD he talks about losing faith, about depression, religion, soul, death, life, not knowing about life. And each song reminds me so dearly and clearly of my mother.

I'm so glad that I had my mother for the nineteen years I had her. I would rather have had her for those nineteen years than someone else for longer. But it still makes me sad that my boyfriend is going to buy a necklace for his mother (last minute of course :) ) and I have no one to buy a necklace for, or talk to. And, as I wrote in an earlier post today, F and I have been fighting a lot - yet, I feel like I have no one to talk to because everyone has such different values than I do - they don't approve of him as it is; they can't see past the arrogant, and yet rather unproven, macho exterior which I must admit is there. But anyway, my mother would know. The saddest part of my mother dying is she will never meet F and she will never know the children that I want to have with him. That is the saddest part.

And I miss her wisdom, I miss her faith, I miss her understanding, I miss her love, I miss her encouragement, I miss her validation. I miss my mother tremendously. Until I met F I felt afloat at sea, awash in the currents, with only dying people trying to hang on to me for their life, floating around. No one really held me up for two years - and they were the hardest years of my life. But anyway, it wasn't so terrible, people see much worse, and people care about me very much who I shouldn't discount - but they did not know what my mother knew.

And without those two years I would have no way to understand the fear and the loneliness my mother must've felt in her last years. She was dying of cancer after a 14 year valiant and brilliant fight - and only took her final breath when she and I let her go. She left when she was ready - not entirely ready - but when she had accepted it. But, regardless, she was an intelligent, sensitive, and accomplished woman. I know, though, that especially after her mother died when I was around eight (something like ten years before her death), and then even more so when her father died a few years ago, she felt very very alone. I probably understood her better than most people in this world. She did not receive validation from the people closest to her who she needed it from - she got a lot of anger from them because they did not understand her. Sure, some of that might have been her fault, but I was there - she tried, and she cried. And she loved anyway.

My mother related a lot to Billy Joel. I do now as well. We had a beachhouse in southern jersey and Billy Joel sings a song about Avalon and closing up for the season. I can remember so many seasons with my mother closing up the beach house. I remember driving in her minivan being a captive audience to Billy Joel playing over and over and over - and singing to him - and relating myself - and in my teenage years rebelling against the uncoolness of listening to him ALL the time when I was with my mother. But now I understand - he gets it. What it is I don't know, but he gets it.

Now I'm listening to The Great Wall of China - Billy Joel's manager I believe, or someone who worked with him and who he respected, betrayed him and took most of his money. His response is this song. It's great. You can tell that he is more jaded than in his earlier albums, but he is striving to work it out, still to have faith "You only beat me if you get me to hate." "We could've been standing on the Great Wall of China if you'd only had a little more faith in me." My mother felt betrayed by her job where the chairperson was trying to get her fired from her tenured position while she was very sick because, I think, he was jealous of her. She was very successful and yet very kind. She understood that feeling - you could've worked with me, had faith in me, but instead you just took.

A Minor Variation - dealing with depression "I just define it as a minor variation" he says - my mother didn't really like this song - she like'd to be more optimistic and was not really depressed - but, she expected to work in cycles. The motivation would hit her - she'd work like crazy and then it would leave and she'd not do much of anything. "Don't even hurt it's all a part of the pattern."

But I relate - I've had some very tough minor variations, "But I'm ready for the next time it hits me again, because I've gotten tough it doesn't phase me."

It's just
"Sometimes I gotta give right into the mood, despite how i try it's a sure shot i'm going to lose."

Shades of Grey - she loved this song - i think she was really confused more and more as she got older. i actually feel like i have always lived with the shades of grey. i think there's also a generational aspect of this song. at one point we were sure - world war II for example - that we were on the side of right and God. We haven't known that since Vietnam and now we're all stuck a little in shades of grey grasping desperately at our own individual blacks and whites or trying to reinvent the black and white in a more socially acceptable form for our new era.

"Some things were perfectly clear seen with the vision of youth
no doubts and nothing to fear i claimed the corner on truth
these days it's harder to say i know what i'm fighting for
i'm not that sure anymore"

Lullaby for Alexa (I think that's the name) - I think my mother liked this because for most of my life (since I was five) she was very aware of her own mortality due to the cancer. He's singing this song to his daughter, I believe, because he and her mother were divorcing. He wanted her to know he would always be there, even though he must leave now, even though he will die someday, even though she must sleep that night - and that he is there even if just in that she sings this lullaby to her child one day to put her child to sleep. I'm sure my mother felt all these ways for me. I miss her. Oh, mother, are you still somewhere?

River of Dreams - she loved this one too, related to it a lot - my mother was always searching and walking down to the river of dreams in the middle of the night...

in the middle of the night
i go walking in my sleep
from the mountains of faith (valley of fear) (jungle of doubt)
to the river so deep
i must be looking for something (searching for something)
but the river is wide (something taken out of my soul) (something so undefined)
and it's too hard to cross (something I'd never lose) (it can only be seen)
(Something somebody stole) (by the eyes of the blind)

my mother was searching - for faith, truth, for something to carry us past and through doubt and fear - for our dreams - i'm searching too...

2000 years - she loved this song too - we've come so far and yet not gotten anywhere - and yet, we hope we have gotten somewhere anyway

anyway, i have to go to sleep and get up for work tomorrow. but i love you mom, and i miss you. and you were a wonderful mother - i am very lucky to have had you.

Much love

Thoughts on Christianity

2006-05-14T19:07:00.000+02:00

I have had some trouble with a lot of Christian orthodoxy. I know that there is a lot of good in the Christian dogma - because there is a lot of love - but I wonder if people don't get lost in the rules, and the structure - even though it's really just there, it seems to me, to direct people to love. But I've had some new thoughts recently.

What if God was always loving, not angry, even during Old Testament times - but He just couldn't get us to believe it? Perhaps, we were so angry, fickle, and fearful (as always) that we couldn't even conceive of a God who was not. I believe we have to create the world we want to live in with our own actions. If we, ourselves, cannot be loving (each one of us individually), how can we accept the idea that there is strong love in this world? Perhaps we may even feel the most timid stirrings of love at times even in difficult situations, but if we choose not to act on them, how can we expect that others will. However, if we act out of love, there MUST be someone else who does as well. We've proven it is possible - thus it must exist.

Therefore, what if God always loved us, and was never angry, and didn't send down punishments - but merely let us learn from the reality of the world? What if he sent down Jesus to give us a living symbol of the fact that we are good enough, we are blessed, we are loved, we don't need to prove ourselves and that had always been true we just couldn't see it? What if all that is required of us is to have faith so that we allow love to grow with us and don't turn it off with our doubts and fears about getting hurt and not being good enough to be loved?

Agh, but I still don't understand...why are we here? I feel very strongly that I have a purpose here - to comfort, to gently guide, to encourage, to love. But why? Maybe we all just need to learn we are good enough, we are loveable, we are loved. Maybe if we could all figure that out - earth would be heaven.

It confuses me. But I'm starting to get a little farther along in my thinking.

Thoughts, disagreements, comments?

Jennie

A beautiful internal world...

2006-05-14T18:34:00.000+02:00

My wonderful, intuitive, intelligent boyfriend and I are fighting a lot recently; perhaps, primarily, because I'm coming home after eight months of being abroad and this understandably causes some anxiety.

One thing I do not like that my boyfriend, F., does is that when he is frustrated at me, he is rather nasty, yells, and basically just goes into attack mode. He did this the other night, over a small upset that I was feeling, because he became defensive. Granted, in many ways I'm hard to deal with because I am very emotional and sensitive. The slightest insult becomes huge in my mind and sometimes seems to foretell the doom of our relationship. I am hard emotionally to deal with. The joy of this relationship though is that F is too - so we have to work equally hard for each other and grow a lot in the process.

Overall, we have an amazing, almost ideal (for me), relationship. It's very much based on a mutual understanding and respect for each other and each other's postion. We connect beautifully and we grow through the validation and love we find in each other. We both want to love each other unconditionally - quite a feat, perhaps impossible to attain, and yet I think even the pursuit is worth a lot.

In many ways, F., though, has had a very hard time. He is so loving, intelligent, and sensitive that he was often misunderstood, pushed back, unrecognized, invalidated. When I met him he was very angry at the world. I think that some of that anger has gone away from meeting me. It's amazing what a little validation can do - but, of course, I can't change the world, just make little differences - the anger is still there.

I did believe before I met F that I needed to protect myself from the men in this world that would tear me down and pull me apart. One thing he has taught me is the importance of faith and the importance of letting go the control. I worry a lot. But, I'm starting to let that go, and the need to be in control. I keep trying to control the situation by thinking it to death, and trying to handle the issues immediately so they won't haunt me later. It's not the most terrible thing I could be doing - but it's overkill - and it makes me anxious and fearful.

Recently, I've just let go of a lot of that. I've decided to believe in a wonderful future. Yes, I may be disappointed - but, as F pointed out, I don't regret anything I've done this far - why would I start just because I'd decided to believe?

But that fear and anxiety is just a product, I believe, of our society. I often wonder if we aren't too quick today to say that we must take care of ourselves first. I wonder if we aren't too quick to say we should leave at the first sign of wrongdoing, leave when 'love' dies, leave when we are 'not happy,' leave when we do not feel some sort of satisfaction that we've been searching for our whole lives. Essentially we are choosing not to love. Maybe some people need to learn to love themselves first and that's part of the move - maybe it IS necessary - I don't know. But it seems to me we are losing something huge in this lack of faith, commitment, trust - in this mass movement to protect ourselves.

This quickness to choose to not love, I believe, comes from our lack of faith. But if there is another place, if there is another world, then the fact that someone is treating us badly doesn't matter. Or, even if there is no other place, still here, what matters is our internal world. What happens in this world to us, which we can't control, doesn't matter. What matters is how we respond to it - what matters is our internal world - which we have the power to create.

F is wonderful. I am so lucky. I've been thanking God everyday since I met him, and it's because of him, in many ways, that my faith in goodness, meaning, and love has been renewed. If someone, even just one person, can love so well then it must mean that whoever created him loves even better. I've remembered my desire to have a beautiful internal world regardless of what has happened in this world.

So, I've decided I believe in unconditional love. I've decided I believe in trust, faith, God. F may yell at me when he is frustrated, for the rest of our lives. He may never do exactly what I want (in fact, I can count on that). He may not succeed according to society's standards. He may not always treat me perfectly (although he does a really good job). But I think what's important is that I give him as much love as I am able through it all - and through that he will become, and has already become, a better person.

I believe he is sort of my charge in life, and I am his, and we may hurt each other terribly - but if we do not leave, if we make the active choice to love no matter what, we are doing something amazing. We are proving that unconditional love still exists in a world like this. That no one needs to feel they are not good enough, that they need to be better looking, that they need to be better educated, etc. in order to be loved. We will be proving that everyone is good enough as they are.

I can feel the cynicism and the mocking already, but I choose to believe in faith. And, I've had some pretty hard knocks in my life, although in many ways it's been a very nice life. I am not simply naive. I am naive - but choose to be so. I believe in love.

It's either that or add to the pain in this world, which I never want to do.

I decide how I feel, what I think, who I am, how I will act regardless of what life throws at me. I pray for the strength and the faith to carry me through. But I will not blame the world if I make unloving choices - the responsibility for my choices lies with me alone.

Much love to everyone who would like some love. Always feel free to write, post up, comment, disagree. This place is safe.

Jennie

The Importance of Faith

2006-05-14T18:09:00.000+02:00

Religion supplies those lacking in their own sense of faith in the good in the world with a reason, a structure, to believe. It is a discipline, a way, to believe that there is a reason, a path, meaning, truth in the chaos and Hell that our life can seem to be.

Because loving is hard. It's easy to say we should feed the homeless. It's hard to turn to your best friend who betrayed you and say, "It's okay. I understand why you did it. You are a good person. I love you." It's hard to let go of our own idea of right and wrong and say that love is the most important idea.

But it's easier if we have faith. I do not believe it matters exactly what faith - but faith that the world makes sense. If we believe we will be loved, recognized, seen, validated, and understood by someone, somewhere, it's much easier to allow the person in front of us to feel their disapproval or anger of us, and accept it and them.

I believe faith is the only thing that subdues fear. I believe fear is what leads us to unloving acts. Perhaps fear, as the precursor to hate, is truly just the opposite of faith, the precursor to love.

But I don't think we need to have faith in any one set of beliefs: maybe just faith in love; faith in God (or something that controls the universe) that He is good, that He loves us, that He would not allow harm to come to us without reason; maybe just faith that our lives have meaning.

I've seen so many miraculous acts of love, it makes me believe. It makes me believe there's a reason why we suffer, why some suffer more than I can possibly imagine, why we fail, why we are left alone. Somehow, we must learn to love despite all that - and I think it's through faith in love, the world, truth, goodness, me, and you. I think it's through an understanding that this world, and our time on this earth, is a trasitionary part of our souls' wandering. I believe there is more. And again that faith allows me to say to the person who feels the need to be on the top of the ladder, "go ahead, you do deserve the top rung," and put myself aside.

It's taken me years to get here, but I finally see why it's important to take leaps of faith, and jump into trust even blind into seeming darkness - because if we jump out of love and out of faith, we are adding to the good in this world - and a little more love, a little more faith, is the most important thing we can bring to our universe.

Nice Visit with Dad

2006-05-09T23:46:00.000+02:00

I have had a very good last few days with my dad here in France. I am very glad he came. We do tend to get along quite well somehow. We just had dinner with my friends and it was lovely. He can be very entertaining and he proved to be so tonight. My father can also be a little bitter and angry (as many of us can) and it's nice to see a different side to him.

But that's why I haven't written so much - dad's been here.

First day we did Nice and met this couple that took us around a bit, Josette and Michel, they were very hospitable and fun.

Second day we did my area, and had a little picnic on the beach.

Third day we did Marseille and Cassis - very nice - and dinner with the girls.

Tomorrow I am taking dad back to Nice to catch his flight home.

I want to go home. Oh well. Three weeks. I'm sure when I'm going home I'll be sad about leaving France.

Much love to all who need it...

Jennie

Nothing's Necessity Toward Creativity

2006-05-08T14:08:00.000+02:00

I believe that I have to get a certain amount of nothing done in order to get something done - especially if that something involves creative work. However, even if it seemingly does not, doing nothing is important. Creativity comes in many guises - life, after all, requires a constant stream of creativity to deal with its unexpected thrusts and blows.

But anyway, I feel very imposed upon when I feel, often out of guilt, I must spend my time socializing with people I don't care about. I say to myself - it's because I have things to do! But then, when I decline an invitation, I often find that I am not doing the things I should do - but rather, I end up doing nothing, or, at least nothing of much importance. Nonetheless, I have come to believe that that time is essential for me in my eventual move toward taking real action. I need to allow my mind to wander and it can only do that if I give it rest.

Cziksenmihalyi writes a book on creativity (called Creativity :) ) which describes case studies on a group of successfully creative people (chosen through a certain set of qualifications - such as awards received, work sold/published, etc). In his book, he writes that one theory about success that many of the creative subjects expressed, was the importance of their nothing time. Not all of the creative people found this necessary, but a surprising amount did.

If you think about it, it makes sense. Creativity is essentially just the linking of two ideas, thoughts, concepts, or facts that were previously unlinked. In order for this linking to happen, the mind must step out of external structure, out of society's rules, out of common perception and allow for idle wandering of thought down seemingly impractical and uncertain paths (sometimes through thought, sometimes through daydreaming, sometimes in a mode entirely subconscious to the thinker). However, it seems clear that for many this wandering can only happen when we do nothing in this external world. Only then can we free ourselves in our own internal world.

One can also understand why doing nothing is important if one considers genius. Genius is just KNOWING something, without, many times even knowing how one arrived. The mind makes a leap which works, that no one else has made before. Would the mind have the time to work and make leaps, if it was constantly occupied with more practical pursuits? Perhaps, we do not need to force our brain to work, it will work if we let it. Perhaps by forcing it to do the work we think it should do, we are shutting it off from doing the work it is destined to do.

Thus, allow me, yourself, and creative others the time to do nothing. And help me allow myself this time. I, at times, feel very guilty as I do nothing. Many have said I was procrastinating but I think it may be better termed as percolating. Understand that the thoughts need to wander, the face needs to become blank, and the body needs to repose in order to allow for the swift, efficient working of the internal mind - which will, rest assured, eventually lead to dramatic, thought-out, effective action.

On My Own

2006-05-04T22:11:00.000+02:00

My roommate returned to the US yesterday leaving me in France to my own devices. I was sad and cried off and on through her last day, even though sometimes she and our other friends drive me a little nuts with their extraversion. Overall, she is a warm and generous person and I was very lucky to have her as my roommate.

HOWEVER, I am so happy to be on my own. I can really relax and really take care of myself - be the quiet (though not seemingly so) health nut that I am.

Started taking some ginseng because I am unable to find vitamin B worth taking in France and ran through the first set I found. It's so frustrating. BUT I feel great today - energized and my face looks youthful - is it the ginseng? I guess we'll have to see...

Much love to all,
Jennie

For in natures, as in seas, depth answers unto depth...

2006-05-04T21:59:00.000+02:00

He was quick enough to observe; he had a good memory, and did not forget a word of the brother's revelations. He interwove them with everything he saw of the sister, and he began to understand her. To be sure, the better and profounder part of her character was not within his scope of perception; for in natures, as in seas, depth answers unto depth; but he soon began to read the rest with a student's eye.

-Charles Dickens, p. 196 (of my edition :) )

Beautiful - and so aware - perceptive. I hadn't read any Charles Dickens, but make it my mission to understand why people think certain writers are so great. I don't mind disagreeing, once I've read. But I like to know why people think what they do.

But Charles Dickens was definitely a master. He was very insightful into human personality - and just look at that writing - beautiful!!!

Excellent Article on the Dangers of Invalidation...

2006-05-04T21:44:00.000+02:00

I think this is an intuitive and accurate article on INVALIDATION and the problems it causes. I found it to validate the way I've felt most of my life. I know I'm smart - very smart. I know I understand a lot of things. Yet, the world (in the form of friends, teachers, sometimes my dad or a boyfriend), often does not seem to realize that and even downright contradicts it. I was told I was stupid or too slow for a class any number of times. And it's just not true - but it makes one crazy.

Anyway, give this a read - it's worth it...

The Article:

Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. Constant invalidation may be one of the most significant reasons a person with high innate emotional intelligence suffers from unmet emotional needs later in life.(1) A sensitive child who is repeatedly invalidated becomes confused and begins to distrust his own emotions. He fails to develop confidence in and healthy use of his emotional brain-- one of nature's most basic survival tools. To adapt to this unhealthy and dysfunctional environment, the working relationship between his thoughts and feelings becomes twisted. His emotional responses, emotional management, and emotional development will likely be seriously, and perhaps permanently, impaired. The emotional processes which worked for him as a child may begin to work against him as an adult. In fact, one defintion of the so-called "borderline personality disorder" is "the normal response of a sensitive person to an invalidating environment" (2)

Psychiatrist R.D. Laing said that when we invalidate people or deny their perceptions and personal experiences, we make mental invalids of them. He found that when one's feelings are denied a person can be made to feel crazy even they are perfectly mentally healthy. (Reference)

Recent research by Thomas R. Lynch, Ph.D. of Duke University supports the idea that invalidation leads to mental health problems. He writes "...a history of emotion invalidation (i.e., a history of childhood psychological abuse and parental punishment, minimization, and distress in response to negative emotion) was significantly associated with emotion inhibition (i.e., ambivalence over emotional _expression, thought suppression, and avoidant stress responses). Further, emotion inhibition significantly predicted psychological distress, including depression and anxiety symptoms.) (Reference)* We are ignored
* We are judged
* We are led to believe there is something wrong with us for feeling how we feel

You Can't Heal an Emotional Wound with Logic

People with high IQ and low EQ tend to use logic to address emotional issues. They may say, "You are not being rational. There is no reason for you to feel the way you do. Let's look at the facts." Businesses, for example, and "professionals" are traditionally out of balance towards logic at the expense of emotions. This tends to alienate people and diminish their potential.

Actually, all emotions do have a basis in reality, and feelings are facts, fleeting though they may be. But trying to dress an emotional wound, with logic tends to either confuse, sadden or infuriate a person. Or it may eventually isolate them from their feelings, with a resulting loss of major part of their natural intelligence.

Remember:

You can't solve an emotional problem, or heal an emotional wound, with logic alone.

There are many forms of invalidation. Most of them are so insidious that we don't even know what is happening. We know that something doesn't feel good, but we sometimes can't put our finger on it. We have been conditioned to think that invalidation is "normal." Indeed, it is extremely common, but it is certainly not healthy.

I have heard parents and teachers call children:

dramatic, crybabies, whiners, whingers, too sensitive, worry warts, drama queens

I have also heard them say things like: "He cries at the drop of a hat." One teacher said "When she starts to cry, I just ignore her and eventually she stops." Another said, "When one kid's crying is disrupting the lesson, I tell them to go cry in the hall till they can pull themselves back together again."

Defensiveness and Invalidation

All invalidation is a form of psychological attack. When we are attacked, our survival instinct tells us to defend ourselves either through withdrawal or counter-attack. Repteated withdrawal, though, tends to decrease our self-confidence and lead to a sense of powerlessness and depression. On the other hand, going on the offensive often escalates the conflict or puts us in the position of trying to change another person.

One sign of both high self-esteem and high EQ is the absence of either of these defensive responses. A healthier response, one which is both informative and assertive, without being aggressive, is to simply express your feelings clearly and concisely. For example, you might respond, "I feel invalidated," "I feel mocked," or "I feel judged."

How the other person responds to your emotional honesty will depend upon, and be indicative of:

(a) how much they respect you

(b) how much they care about you and your feelings

(c) how insecure and defensive they are

(d) how much they are trying to change or control you

All of this is information which will help you make decisions which are in your best interest.

Self-Injury and Invalidation

Invalidation has been suggested as one of the primary reasons people cut, burn and injure themselves.

For example this quote is from D. Martinson (www.crystal.palace.net/~llama/selfinjury/guide.html )

One factor common to most people who self-injure, whether they were abused or not, is invalidation. They were taught at an early age that their interpretations of and feelings about the things around them were bad and wrong. They learned that certain feelings weren't allowed. In abusive homes, they may have been severely punished for expressing certain thoughts and feelings.

Martnison also writes: ( www.service4you.net/selfinjury/aware.shtml )

Self-injury is probably the result of many different factors. Among them: Lack of role models and invalidation - most people who self-injure were chronically invalidated in some way as children (many self-injurers report abuse, but almost all report chronic invalidation).

Examples of invalidating expressions. -- Each is an attempt to talk you out of your feelings.

"Ordering" You to Feel Differently

Smile.
Be happy.
Cheer up
Lighten up.
Get over it.
Grow up
Get a life
Don't cry.
Don't worry.
Don't be sad.
Stop whining
Stop laughing..
Don't get angry
Deal with it.
Give it a rest.
Forget about it.
Stop complaining.
Don't be so dramatic.
Don't be so sensitive.
Stop being so emotional.
Stop taking everything so personally

Ordering you to "look" differently

Don't look so sad.
Don't look so smug.
Don't look so down.
Don't look like that.
Don't make that face.
Don't look so serious.
Don't look so proud of yourself.
Don't look so pleased with yourself.

Denying Your Perception, Defending

But of course I respect you.
But I do listen to you.
That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)
I was only kidding.

Trying to Make You Feel Guilty While Invalidating You

I tried to help you..
At least I .....
At least you....

Trying to Isolate You

You are the only one who feels that way.
It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?

Minimizing Your Feelings

You must be kidding.
You can't be serious.
It can't be that bad.
Your life can't be that bad.
You are just ... (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)
It's nothing to get upset over.
It's not worth getting that upset over.

Using Reason

There is no reason to get upset.
You are not being rational.
But it doesn't make any sense to feel that way.
Let's look at the facts.
Let's stick to the facts.
But if you really think about it....

Debating

I don't always do that.
It's not that bad. (that far, that heavy, that hot, that serious, etc.)

Judging & Labeling You

You are a cry baby.
You have a problem.
You are too sensitive.
You are over-reacting. You are too thin-skinned.
You are way too emotional.
You are an insensitive jerk. .
You need to get your head examined!
You are impossible to talk to.

You are impossible.
You are hopeless.

Turning Things Around

You are making a big deal out of nothing.
You are blowing this way out of proportion.
You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

Trying to get you to question yourself

What is your problem?
What's wrong with you?
What's the matter with you?
Why can't you just get over it?
Why do you always have to ....?
Is that all you can do, complain?
Why are you making such a big deal over it?
What's wrong with you, can't you take a joke?
How can you let a little thing like that bother you?
Don't you think you are being a little dramatic?
Do you really think that crying about it is going to help anything?

Telling You How You "Should" Feel or Act

You should be excited.
You should be thrilled.
You should feel guilty.
You should feel thankful that...
You should be happy that ....
You should be glad that ...
You should just drop it.
You shouldn't worry so much.
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.
You should feel ashamed of yourself.
You shouldn't wear your heart out on your sleeve.
You shouldn't say that about your father.

Defending The Other Person

Maybe they were just having a bad day.
I am sure she didn't mean it like that.
You just took it wrong.
I am sure she means well.

Negating, Denial & Confusion

Now you know that isn't true.
You don't mean that. You know you love your baby brother.
You don't really mean that. You are just ... (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)

Sarcasm and Mocking

Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?
What did you think? The world was created to serve you?
What happened to you? Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?

Laying Guilt Trips

Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
What about my feelings?!
Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?

Philosophizing Or Clichés

Time heals all wounds.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Life is full of pain and pleasure.
In time you will understand this.
When you are older you will understand
You are just going through a phase.
Everything has its reasons.
Everything is just the way it is supposed to be.

Talking about you when you can hear it

She is impossible to talk to.
You can't say anything to her.

Showing Intolerance

This is getting really old.
This is getting really pathetic.
I am sick of hearing about it.

------

Even when we are happy, unhappy people want to ruin it for us by saying diminishing things like: What are you so happy about? That's it? That's all you are so excited about?

There was an _expression I heard when I was growing up. It was "Who put a quarter in you?" A quarter is a 25 cent coin in the USA. It was a coin which was once enough to start music in a juke box. So the implication was the person was acting abnormally happy, excited, lively etc.

------

When your awareness rises, you'll begin to notice such comments on a regular basis. Together, they take their toll on us. We wonder if there is something wrong with us for feeling how we do. It seems fair to say that with enough invalidation, one person can figuratively, if not literally, drive another person crazy. This is especially possible, I believe, in the case where one person has long-term power over another. Examples of such relationships are parent/child, teacher/child, "spiritual" leader/follower, boss/employee, spouse A/spouse B. Such a sad scenario appears to be even more likely when the person being invalidated is highly sensitive, intelligent and has previously suffered self-esteem damage.

The more sensitive the person, the more serious the damage of invalidation. Invalidation undermines self-confidence because it causes self-doubt. This in turn further diminishes self-esteem. Invalidation is serious violation of one's "true self." I believe it is one of the worst crimes one person can commit against another without ever lifting a finger against them. And yet it is neither illegal, "immoral" by most who consider themselves moralists, nor even widely recognized as a problem.

The high EQ person will never invalidate another person's feelings, especially not the feelings of a sensitive child.

I found this on another blog and I really liked it...

2006-04-29T19:57:00.000+02:00

43 Year Old Very Wise INFP Guy TELLS IT LIKE IT IS

What is it like to be an INFP?

He says:

Here is what I hear:

* Think too much
* Not focused
* Can get into head trips
* Literal learner/thinker(meaning you have to spell it out if it starts getting too abstract like chemistry.)
* Always late
* Stare into space
* Not good understanding other's motives(am a sucker for what looks like honest emotion and am manipulated this way.)
* Have a sense of wonder
* Nice person -genuine
* great moderator
* brown nose
* sensitive -- "must be gay" (am not)
* petty
* opinionated but fair-minded(tolerant)
* He is a good guy
* Have a hard time asking for what is mine

Am an INFP adoptee. Talk about confusing trying to learn who you are. Adopted parents tested, are ENFJ and INFJ. Birthparents I believe are INFP (bmom) and INTP (bfather), but with a lot of childhood damage that was never fixed so they are a bit strange to me.

With my adopted parents I felt like I was raised in bootcamp, hut hut hut. Those J's are tyrannical. Along with the T's ....

Someone else mentioned it was not ok to be themselves in their family. This was me also. I became an ENTJ to be ok growing up. Didn't have a clue who I was until late my 20's (thank god I waited until 40 to get married, I would have been divorced twice by now.) Was popular in high school. Was the one popular person who also identified with the outcasts. Seemed to find what everyone had in common and build on that. Started work in Corporate America. Got fired -- was too honest when the blame bottle spinned on me (honesty is NOT the best policy in the working world -- lesson learned. Another thing I took literally in school.) If I lie I am the one who gets caught. Wife is an INFP. I recommend this if you want to be understood -- especially if you spent your childhood trying to be someone else to be accepted (also an adoptee theme.)

Can relate to the guy who talked about team sports being somewhat of a struggle. The team bonding thing is so much easier if you are an extroverted non sensitive man. Also, I dated many women. I always found they liked me and said what a great father I would be ... Did this matter to them? In large part no. They still married -- or got excited about -- the alpha, non emotional, screw them in business, have an affair-but-you-get-a-big-lifesyle guys. I listen to some of them complain about their husbands now but I don't feel sorry for them. They wanted that. This lead me to learn to change the people I hang out with. I agree with someone who said find people who appreciate you for you. That is a great demonstration of good self esteem and one that took me until I was 40.

It is not easy being married to someone who is like you in terms of sexual chemistry. I find the sexual attraction thing more with other personality types -- the women T's and J's. But this I learned had more to do with my associating intimacy with rejection (or someone not getting me.) The sparks were not as bright with my wife at first, but man, we are friends through everything. I think that is the healthier way to go. Definitely not what you'd see on Oprah. Forget what our culture says about you "just knowing." It is bullcrap coffee table stuff. I know people who said that and got divorced a few years later. Essentially they married their opposites, it didn't last. The gulf was too wide. Either that or their marriages didn't look like anything more than lifestyle/economnic arrangements.

I would say heaven and earth are themes for me. Trying to balance the practical with the spiritual. Oh how I envy those who are comfortable not asking the big questions!! Sometimes I wish I could just go on with my life like they do and work, accumulate, then die, without ever having to get my brain messy. Instead I am absorbed with "what did that mean?" over and over.

Still I wouldn't trade my INFP status. I think the rest of the population needs us to bring things from unreality into reality. We are that bridge. To my way of thinking it makes them all drones.
I found a way to make money in a niche advertising business where I am my own boss. I don't have to dress up, impress a boss, show up for meetings on time or kiss anyone's a**. I recommend this if you can find it. I think INFP's are sort of scapegoated in groups at work.

Peace to you all

Managing motivation and my INFP experience with it...

2006-04-29T15:18:00.000+02:00

I have many things to do; but, I'm just not doing them.

I recently bought a cheap (but quite nice nonetheless) guitar (!) and my internet is getting cut off soon, and I was visiting my friend so I'm feeling the need for major downtime in which there will be internet usage and guitar playing and both. As a result, I'm sitting here, not doing any of the things I should do. But I will do them, eventually, I just have to manage my motivation. I will explain to you what I mean here, as a method of calming my anxiety about not doing anything. :p

Despite my tendency to procrastinate, I've learned to trust myself. I've learned I am very powerful, but I have to work with who I am. I generally can't do too much of anything because I think I 'should.' I'm just NOT motivated. These things I think I should do include homework, chores, errands, exercising, whatever. But I, with great enthusiasm and energy, have a hard time stopping myself from doing the things I really care about. I am responsible and generally get everything done eventually without too much harm to myself or others in the process. But it comes from learning to manage my motivation, as I said before.

I think it's really a matter of what many psychologists refer to as intrinsic vs. extrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation involves motivation that comes from deep inside you - when you, yourself, care. For example, I passionately love to sing and play guitar, so I am intrinsically motivated to do so. I like to learn, so when homework assignments help me to learn, I do them quickly, accurately, and thoroughly. I really am very interested in learning new things. I love to help others learn, so am a dedicated, punctual, and pretty damn good teacher.

Extrinsic motivation, on the other hand, comes from other people or the outside world. Examples of extrinsic motivation are doing the homework to get the grade (given from the external world), paying a bill on time (not truly necessary in that you can pay late and still have somewhere to live, but practical and what you are supposed to do according to the external world), exercising to look good (approval from the external world), not stealing because you might go to jail (punishment from external world).

Some people act more on extrinsic motivation (what we 'should' do) and some are more intrinsically motivated (what we love to do). I believe though, we can all find and act on the intrinsic motivation - and may, indeed, find ourselves happier for it, in the end.

However, I seem to have the problem of being UNABLE to act on extrinsic motivation, which I find unusual and which causes me great difficulties at time. I just can't seem to focus my attention on a task or activity or assignment, if I'm just doing it for something gained from the external world (money, grades, approval, etc). If I don't like the class, my grades are not as good. If I don't believe that I am affecting lives in the classroom, I show up late (although I'm always on time because I believe it matters to the kids feelings of being important to me). If I just want to look good, no way I'm dragging myself to the gym for very long.

So, to circumvent this difficulty, I make sure that I set the situation up so I always am being motivated by something intrinsic. In other words, I turn something that starts out extrinsically motivated into something intrinsically motivated. To make sure I get some exercise: I take a walk that is beautiful somewhere. I like being outside, I like being in nature, I like beauty, I even like walking sometimes. That way, I can exercise. But basic exercise, like you get in the gym, doesn't work for me, because I'm only doing it to look better, or perhaps, because supposedly I'll feel better (though for me, somehow I rarely actually feel better from the gym - sometimes I do). Or, in terms of school, I did have a 3.9 GPA, so I did pretty well. But that's because I searched and put time into finding classes and professors that would interest and intrigue and challenge me, thus keeping me intrinsically motivated. The only B I got was from a requirement class in which the teacher was a TA who, frankly, was far less intelligent than I was. I do believe she just didn't even understand my papers and thus continually gave them Cs. But partly, I was NOT intrinsically motivated in that class, since I was not challenged or interested.

I have read that other INFPs have trouble with motivation. I know my boyfriend does. He sees what I'm saying on this, but he doesn't believe in it enough to put it into practice yet - maybe it wouldn't work for him the way it does for me anyway. Trying to force ourselves through sheer will hasn't worked for either of us, though.

So, just in case that helps anyone...I thought I'd put it out there. I hope it makes sense.

And, in the process, explain this to you all as a way of forgiving myself for writing here, playing my guitar, holing up in my apartment, and not dealing with France Telecom about the erroneous bill they sent me or trying to figure out how to communicate to them in French that I need to cut the line come the end of the month (because I'm coming home!!!! yay!!) and have the bill sent to the states.

Also, just as an update, eating more fruits and veggies and taking vitamin b supplements have changed everything for me!!! I'm doing so much better emotionally. The feeling of doom is gone and replaced with this wonderful feeling that things are meant to be and life will work out. Or is that just the hypomania? I don't think so; I feel more stable than I have in years (although I'm generally very stable, don't get me wrong).

I hope that was clear or helpful or at least thought-provoking. I believe it is not necessary to be right, but to be well-thought out, and that being well-thought out will lead to growth for you and others regardless, because it will cause others to be better thought-out, to think, to learn which in turn will cause you to be even better thought-out, to think, and to learn.

Questions? Comments? Thoughts?

Much love to everyone,
Jennie

Doubting Doubt and Fear

2006-04-26T18:03:00.000+02:00

We all know money doesn't matter. But we all act like it does. Because the fear in our hearts tells us that if we don't, we will be alone, and hungry, and lost. Which might be true.

I was brought up to know that I am self-sufficient and capable. I will never need money because I will always have, or work to have, the skills to make enough. I will never need money because I know that I don't really need much in the end, anyway. But, in the process, I was also taught that being able to take care of yourself is very important. I was taught that working hard is important.

F, my boyfriend, has really made me think about my values in life. If you haven't already read the glowing praise, he is wise beyond anyone I've met, strong, sensitive, kind, aware. He understands people around him and takes care of them. And they have no idea. Partly because he doesn't need them to.

But things of this world are very hard for him. He understands love, and hate, and greed, and fear, and depth, and himself, and me, and you to an extent that most couldn't begin to even understand. He is an amazing musician, a gifted writer, and extremely knowledgeable and thought-out on many current issues today (politics, religion, health...). But is he 'responsible' about the worldly things in his life? Not really. Not because he doesn't want to be, not because he doesn't see where he's going wrong, but just because he wants to please so badly that he shuts down. He has a hard time finishing things (though he's getting better!), he procrastinates, he is scared to try sometimes because he's scared to fail.

He is so gifted and intelligent, powerful, and aware, I have a hard time believing he won't make it somewhere. He has intelligence, talents and people-savvy galore. He is great at selling himself. He has no problem telling people he's the best - and they usually believe him. He is a hard, responsible, dependable worker. I believe he will make it to a place where he is happy, which is all I want for him.

But I don't know that. I have no proof. He does not have a college degree to prove his potential to me or a good job or even a solid plan. He's only twenty two. But he is twenty two, and he is still living at home without a solid income - he's working, though, very hard on a business he started with a partner (which has occassionally brought in a decent amount of money) and taking some classes at a county college. Many, who don't get him, probably think he's irresponsible and immature - including his parents at times - but I believe we all have very different paths - and I believe he is on his - even if it seems a very winding path.

Not to mention he smokes - which scares me. My mother smoked until she died of breast cancer - which she always insisted was unrelated despite any evidence to the contrary. Anyway, he plans to quit by 25, but who knows?

So it's my choice which I make everyday. I can leave his beautiful love and support, the health I've gained from him, the connection, the understanding, the complete genuiness and honesty in search of all that in someone who also has met the worldly requirements of my snobby society. I can abandon him and show him I actually don't have faith in him. Or I can believe in him, I can believe in God, I can believe in life's meaning, I can believe in love.

I'm choosing love and I believe in that choice. But it is a decision I have to work toward everyday in order to fight the fear in me.

What choices have other people made? What were the results? Any words of inspiration? Anyone relate? I'd like to know...

Much love,
Jenniebee

My Search for Your (?) Love

2006-04-26T17:02:00.000+02:00

My Best Friend S. ...

I had a fantastic week with my friend in the west of France. We really connect and get along, but there's always been some uneasy areas. Something clicked this time and we may have moved past some of the difficulty. S, my best friend, is a very intelligent, creative, hard-working, and caring person. She had a good childhood, but her mother died of breast cancer when she was nine, and from that time on I think she often had to fight for attention, was always regarded by her step-mother as a problem, and regarded by her older siblings as a tag-a-long. She has always been one of the people to best understand me, and yet, perhaps because of all that childhood stuff, she is very self-reliant, reserved, maybe a little afraid of intimacy. So, she has left me alone at times when I could've used her help. She has, however, also been there at times when no one else was.

The Importance of Those Who Stand By You...

It's amazing that your mother can die (or more honestly), that my mother can die, and in the year following, few people realize that you (I) need them. My boyfriend of five years couldn't handle the extra stress and left me in a terribly hurtful and destructive way. My best friend at school decided she couldn't talk to me anymore because she couldn't handle it, as she put it. My best friend from highschool, S went to study abroad in Ireland - which was fine, of course. But when, I went to go see her for Christmas so she (and in some ways so I) wouldn't be alone for the holidays she, to make a long story short, went back to the states, leaving me to go to Ireland without her there for most of the three week backpacking trip or on Christmas (I had my other friend (who declared her intention of never speaking to me again shortly after, but she's Jewish so no Christmas... :P).

Anyway, I don't know how everyone felt okay doing these things, but to lose these three (my mom, my boyfriend, my best friend from college) IMPORTANT people in my life within a period of one year was a staggering blow. Looking back on it, maybe I haven't done such a bad job in pulling through the last few years. But, if nothing else, S stayed and that has made a huge difference through it all. We had fights, but she's always stayed. I believe she always will - because she sees my value and believes we are good for each other. And that has mattered a lot at many times.

My mother took care of me...

Part of the problem, undoubtedly, is my own self-possession. My mother took care of me very well, so I didn't really need anyone else too much. And despite my sensitivity, I knew that people didn't mean to hurt me, they just didn't know better, and that my mother loved me truly. So, instead of burdening them with my sensitivity, I learned to hide it, or just talk about it with my mother who would help me understand how other people could hurt me but not mean to really hurt me. Few people would claim to know they have an understanding of what's going on in my head. But I do tell people, I just have a hard time showing it very much because it doesn't usually work out very well.

My boyfriend, F. ...

My boyfriend of a year and two months now, and thank goodness for him, is the only person who has ever looked at me and gotten it. He both sees my pain and can see and value the way I love others. He knows my motivation; he understands that I hurt. Most people have no idea. I guess, how could they? Before him, I didn't even know I was hiding.

The Down-side of a Strong Image (because it is always only an image)...

So, I visited with S and I just let it all pour out. I just kept talking and talking. I just wanted her to understand! and to approve! and to smile! You wouldn't think any of this would matter to me if you looked at me. I have always been told I carry myself with self-possession (as I said) as well as strength and confidence. I'm quite pretty; I've been told I'm stunning or striking at times. I'm intelligent, capable, responsible. And people are entirely fooled - to my detriment often. I don't mean to do it - I don't even know it's happening.

Moreover, I always keep calm and loving and supportive and understanding when others are angry at me, so they don't realize that I need things too. And I didn't really before my mother died. But I had no one to take from after she died and it was a terribly lonely feeling. When I tried to be honest and lean on others some, people left.

Having someone to lean on...

But, the sun is shining a more vibrant hue because S understands, at least somewhat, because she made me a snack for me for the train ride back, because she said I looked nice in my shirt, because she didn't tell me I was doing things wrong, because she listened, because she was happy to be with me, and didn't walk away. I have someone to lean on at least a little.

Why is this so hard for people? But thank goodness some people can do it - just be around me and love me.

Now are you someone who knows how to love well?

I may need your love - depends who you are. I don't care what the crowd thinks; I don't care if you're cool or wealthy or successful. But I care if you really think, if you love, if you seek to grow. Do you? S does, I've always known that. And my boyfriend really does. But who else out there does? There must be others and I will find some of them. Will you someday be another? Are you the type of person who someone can lean on, who someone can expect to be there for them, who understands, who loves, who needs, who grows? If you are I want to get to know you. Because I am a person like that, and I need to find some more. Maybe we can lighten the load for each other just a little bit.

Much love
Jenniebee

As usual, love the comments! Excited I have a few! Thanks everyone for listening. And haha some of you are quite funny I see. :P

To say `gay`or not to say `gay`...

2006-04-21T18:35:00.000+02:00

I'm visiting with my best friend, who, like me, is living in France right now. She has gone to get a baguette and some fruit so I have a little time to write, which is good, because I miss writing. However, I'lm using a French keyboard, which is very different than an American one, so I can not type my thoughts as fluently. Please excuse any terrible typos - I will do my best to be clear anyway.

My friend, an intelligent, thoughtful, and social girl - like myself - believes in chastising people who say things like, "That's so gay" in a negative way. I do not.

I personally don't use the phrase. I don't think that it is descriptive enough to suit my purposes - and in the end, I try not to be disdainful of things in the first place - most things fulfill an important role for someone, somewhere, as long as it is not something harmful to people, than whatever. There is always a more effective way to say something.

Anyway, I'm not going to go into all the reasoning here. I don't believe it's a good thing to say. Nonetheless, I'd rather lead by example.

But I think the more important point is that we are all people. We all deserve respect. If we are honest, and I believe in looking at things honestly and clearly as a function of loving truly, we all have things that are different or wierd about ourselves that someone's not approving of. If we want to truly love and take care of other people, it will happen when we are careful with all people - not just certain groups. Many people in this world feel ostracized, beat down, unable to cope, unable to progress, discriminated against in one way or another. We need to be careful to people, not to groups. I think we leave a lot of people out and contribute to the stereotyping even just by being careful of that group, instead of careful of the individual.

We are all so politically correct - and on the surface we believe in being 'tolerant' or whatever of people. But, deep down, do we actually treat everyone based on who they are? Many people are especially careful to gay people because we must be careful to certain groups. But are they real to that person for themselves? Are they really seeing the gay person? Are they showing more real compassion or empathy or love or just pussy footing around?

I'm not sure that it's helpful to pretend to be nice to anyone. If you hate them, that's your perogative, and also your loss. Don't get me wrong I'm for laws to make sure that no one is discriminated against for a group they are a part of in the workplace etc. But changing other people's phrases? I don't know about that.

My other best friend is gay. I don't love him because he is gay or not gay but because he is my wonderful friend who has really meant a lot to me over the years. So these are my thoughts.

What do you think? Most people I know disagree. But I'd love to hear both points of view.

Much love
Jenniebee

Happy Easter!! and Love Each Other!!

2006-04-16T12:51:00.000+02:00

Off to Paris...

Much love to everyone today. Whether you are alone (as I am for the day, at least) or with family or friends or a lover - know that you are very important in this world. You have already made your mark - someone, somewhere, has grown because of you. You may never know, but it is an indisputable truth.

So... Love Yourselves and Love Each Other...

One day, when everyone learns his own self-worth, perhaps then the world would be as we wish it. Until then, instead of "saving the world," let's concentrate on what we can do and what we all need to work on - loving those around us as well as we can. Loving them without conditions - without saying they need to be a certain weight, age, level of accomplishment, wealth, level of education. Let's just take those we love and say, "I love you for exactly who you are. I learn from being with you every day. I'm so glad you are in my life."

I urge you - if you want this world to be a better place - the next time you move to criticize someone (maybe their hair is sloppy or they've not done the dishes or they lost their job) realize the ways that this hardship for you will encourage your own growth (which is a good thing) and the ways that they do give to you everyday. Instead, express your love and faith and respect for that person, at least to yourself.

Some might say that telling someone the truth if they look terrible (for an instance of possibly loving criticism) is loving. Perhaps. It is important, in a very loving way, to tell someone something critical if they may not have realized that there was something wrong. Yes, then I agree. But if you're just getting on someone's case about something they know about - I don't believe that is ever loving. It is telling them that they are wrong - which tears down a person's sense of self-worth (whether it should or not). More importantly, it says, "when I see you, I don't see the person I love, I only see a person with messy hair" or whatever. I nag too but it does not promote growth.

And if you've ever worked with autistic children with any success - you know this. They respond to love - not criticism. Sometimes people CANNOT do better at the moment. Austistic children cannot just do what you would like them to most times - and, believe it or not, they WANT to please you. This is why they so often throw fits and the more highly functional ones go on about how they are 'bad boys' or 'bad girls.' They know they're not living up and they so badly want to, because they want to please you, and they want to be loved. Who doesn't?

People will grow - if you trust that they will grow. If you give them the right nutrients - the support, the unconditional love, the understanding: they will grow. But, like this the growth will be for THEM because they want to - not for you. We can always do better - but we need to see that some people start out at different places than others. Everyone has different abilities, aptitudes, talents, passions, drives. This means that everyone struggles with different things - and sometimes it's hard to live up - but learn to appreciate the baby steps. And please love us anyway!

I believe, I'm not incredibly religious, but I believe that God made us each as we are supposed to be. I also believe that we each have a path to follow - and it is never straight, but meandering. We have to let everyone follow their own path, learn their own way - if we want them to truly understand what they've learned. Anyway, we don't really know much ourselves, in the end, do we? There's lots of things we do wrong every single day.

So, love each other, please. Every time you choose to love, you've added that much love to the world. I know that each one of us has something beautiful in us. Why don't we show it, use it, act on it, express it? Because we don't believe in it. We need others to help us believe. Love each other and foster that belief.

Comments? Questions? Differing experiences? Please leave a comment...

Jenniebee

Travelling in Europe when under 25...

2006-04-15T16:21:00.000+02:00

...is absolutely excellent. I am going to Paris tomorrow, completely across the country, for half price - 30 euro! If you are ever in France for any extended period of time it is more than worth it to buy the carte 12-25. You get half price off many of your train tickets as well as car rentals, plane tickets, hotels (occassionally) etc. It's only 30 euro so it's definitely worth it.

Two of my friends from highschool are also in France (yay!) one of them is doing the same program I am in a different region. The other is here visting because her posh parents bought an apartment in Paris where I will be staying Monday night! So won't be writing the next few days...visiting with them who I love very much. I then will be staying with my friend who is also doing the program here - she is in the west of France (I am in the South) for maybe a week. So, since internet access is shaky there, may or may not write.

Hysterical link - You Are Mighty

2006-04-14T18:15:00.000+02:00

Go to: www.(your name here).youaremighty.com

for example - I would go to www.jennie.youaremighty.com

Enjoy!

Structuring My Day - An Unstructured Unfocused Discussion of Myself

2006-04-14T11:24:00.000+02:00

I wake up - I know I have nothing I have to do - and often this sense of doom comes over me. I feel like I should be doing things, and yet it is such an effort to do any of them. Technically, there's nothing I HAVE to do right now - but there's always those things you're told to be doing - cleaning, exercising, studying for something. It's paralyzing and I often find myself spending the day trying to distract myself from the feeling of doom.

Today I woke up (about five minutes ago, in fact) and I felt it a little but definitely much less. I'm still feeling a little confused as to how to handle this day ahead of me (which I honestly don't want to share with anyone here) and how to fill up the time.

But amazingly the vitamin b and/or mineral supplements have changed my life to a huge extent, and the doom feeling is much lighter than it has been for the past year or so.

I love to work...in fact, I am probably at my happiest when I'm working. I love to teach, to help others move forward, to learn about them and their experiences. I sometimes dread going to work, but, in the end, it is meaningful, and I am drawn out of myself, time flies. I really do love it. And I get so excited when the kids really get something - it really makes me feel alive!

Yet I always need, desperately need, time to recharge. And honestly, if I do exactly what I want - that means I will often watch movies or read books all day long - and very happily. Of course, now I'm in a foreign country and it's just not as relaxing to read in French, English books are few and far between, and my crap DVD player is very picky about which movies it will condescend to play.

But regardless of whether I have movies or books or not, I always do feel like there needs to be a point to my day which involves other people. (Although lately, I've been over-extroverting so much that that point is now satisfactorily played out when I go to the grocery store and say, "Bonjour, ca va?" and "Merci, bonne journee!" to the check out person.) But anyway, is it okay that I just sit around for full days at a time? Yes, I think I just need to let myself be. Learning that I am an introvert has been extremely helpful for understanding that I need this time to just recharge and reenergize and that that is ok. And, it's helped explain why no one else I know (except my boyfriend who can also be a very social person) is really like this.

And perhaps the domination of life's expectations by extroverts (since they are, after all, the loudest) is what creates the doom feeling in part - I always feel like I should be DOING something - I should go for a walk, or a bike ride, or talk to one of the 'friends' I'm constantly ignoring. But, geez, I just want a rest. I have no desire to see anyone (except those I love - that's different - I can see them whenever). I just want to be let be.

I think the hardest part is that it is Friday night, and tomorrow will be Saturday night, and I have this implanted feeling that I should be out for at least one of them. And I could go - I have friends here that would welcome me. But I am not particularly stimulated by their company - or something - it's just not fun.

If I were with any of my friends from home - one to four of us would go out and get a few drinks, we would dress up a bit but that wouldn't be the point of the night - and we would get some beer or something enjoyable and talk about our lives, our loves, our problems. And I would be happy. I never used to be one to say 'no' to an invitation very often - but that was because I really enjoyed the people. I didn't realize how special they were and how lucky I was to have found them.

I'm really enjoying this blogger thing, though. Really. I like the formatting here. I like that I can have different topics - and that, after I write something, it is not possible to do what my ADD brain normally finds a way to do - and lose it. Each topic has a title, and I can write about all my many interests and passions - and they will be there to look up later if I forget about them, or need a review. And I can go back and add stuff, and have links. It's perfect for me. It's like an organizational system for my mind. I'm typing quickly to get stuff out lately - and each thought is kinda brief (at least for me lol) because I am so anxious to put each thought in its requisite folder so I don't lose it in my mind or on my computer and I will be able to find it again. At least if I get it down, it will be easier to remember to add to it later.

Anyway, I often find myself structuring my day - when I have a big empty one like today - where the sun is shining and people are wearing tanktops outside (I should really go work on my tan at the beach - its a good walk there and back so I get exercise and it's beautiful - but I just want to rest!). Anyway, often I structure around one activity or meal preparations. This is how it looks so far:

1) computer stuff - checking email, writing here, reading stuff about my job placement for next year (just got info about that yesterday!)

2) make an omelet for breakfast/lunch with lots and lots of fresh veggies, some cheese, and brown rice.

3) walk down to the video store which opens at 3 and select two videos. Buy some fresh fruit and green tea on the way - am out of those. Watch one video.

4) do the dishes my roommate so kindly left me before she went on her trip (this is the second time she's done that. grrr. not fair. anyway, i'll do them if I feel like it - I probably will because I like to cook in a clean kitchen).

5) Cook dinner...hmmm....what to eat...probably a hamburger patty with garlic and onion (very healthy to eat lots of garlic and onion) and asparagus sauteed in a little oil and with a squeeze of lemon and maybe some more brown rice.

5) Watch second video.

6) Talk to my boyfriend who's still at home and I miss very much for probably an hour or two (we talk a lot - I love him very much and he is so similar to me that it's scary).

7) Go to sleep.

Wow. I love being able to write here and get stuff off my mind. If anyone relates - as usual - please feel free. But if not, I am happy to know there are lurkers... :). Thanks for listening.

Tolstoy and Politics

2006-04-13T21:19:00.000+02:00

I love Tolstoy - especially Anna Karenina... he is incredibly insightful into the human psyche - describing, with uncanny brilliance, the differences among and between people, and our motivations...

I especially like his view on why his main character, Stephen Arkadyevitch, a popular and charming fellow, came to his political viewpoints - it seems to me very familiar...like maybe it's kind of universal.

Disclaimer - I don't dislike 'liberals,' as some would call them, or conservatives for that matter. I don't particularly like one or another either. I like PEOPLE, any people, based on their ability to truly think on a matter themselves, their ability to be unruffled by another point of view, their ability to handle and process complexity, their ability to filter out the bullshit and comprehend fine and nuanced distinctions. I dislike people who think they know all the answers especially when there's a huge group of people standing behind them. It's just not that simple. Actually, I don't dislike much anyone - but my sense of that person as a reliable or interesting source of information drops when I find them taking simplistic - and group supported - views on many subjects.

Anyway, hope not to offend - but that's the point of this blog - to say what I think...

"Stephen Arkadyevitch had not chosen his political opinions or his views; these political opinions and views had come to him of themselves, just as he did not choose the shapes of his hat and coat, but simply took those that were being worn. And for him, living in a certain society - owing to the need, ordinarily developed at years of discretion, for some degree of mental activity - to have views was just as indispensable as to have a hat" (p. 10).

What a fascinating, and completely accurate way of putting it. Having views is indispensible. When you have views you appear strong to people, like you know what you're about (and they're about), like you are together. It is a good way to become popular because people will follow a good image. Moreover, it says, yes, I belong here - it's like a badge of membership. When people aren't looking to connect in a real way with each other but merely to create an ingroup and an outgroup, similarities (albeit superficial ones) like these are essential to the group's glue. But are we all still just striving to be popular then? Have we not left middle school yet? Isn't there something else in life that we are after?

"If there was a reason for his preferring liberal to conservative views, which were held also by many of his circle, it arose not from his considering liberalism more rational, but from its being in close accordance with his manner of life. The liberal party said that in Russia everything is wrong, and certainly Stepan Arkadyevitch had many debts and was decidedly short of money. The liberal party said that marriage is an institution quite out of date, and that it needs reconstruction; and family life certainly afforded Stepan Arkadyevitch little gratification, and forced him into lying and hypocrisy, which was so repulsive to his nature. The liberal party said, or rather allowed it to be understood, that religion is only a curb to keep in check the barbarous classes of the people; and Stepan Arkadyevitch could not get through even a short service without his legs aching from standing up, and could never make out what was the object of all the terrible and high-flown language about another world when life might be so very amusing in this world . . ." (p. 10).

What a master Tolstoy is! He astounds me.

1) Look at how he uses the repetition of Stepan Arkadyevitch's full name. Why does he do this? It certainly adds to the irony here. It shows Stepan Arkadyevitch's self-blown importance - the first time it is used, Stepan's life is being compared to "everything in Russia." A rather large leap. Moreover, it is highly unnecessary to use the full name again and again and again - three times in this short paragraph. However, one gets the feeling that Stepan Arkadyevitch would do so - that he is a little like a spoiled child. Tolstoy, through the full name repitition shows that Stepan thinks primarily of himself, feeling he and his desires are of the utmost importance - important enough to base serious common good problems on his personal situation. Thus, this repetition of the full name serves to highlight the foolishness and ultimate unimportance of this likeable, but superficial, man. He is the name. He is the image. He is not much more than that. But he does take and awful lot of unwarranted pride in the name.

2) Tolstoy does not just highlight Stepan's overblown sense of his superificial self, but also infantilizes Stepan's thought process by expressing the liberal party's views with the childish formulation, "the liberal party says..." One can just here the little boy running down the street telling the other children gravely, "well, my teacher says...." or "my dad says..." as if that was the end of the question. The liberal party is Stepan's undoubtable authority. And like a child who believes his parents or his teacher fully and without his own thought, Stepan accepts what the liberal party says, without any real research, without any heavy thought, and then feels gratified.

3) Finally, Tolstoy ridicules Stepan's feelings of entitlement and his inability to be accountable for his own situation. As he discusses Stepan's life situation, he chooses wording and verb tenses to show Stepan's detachment from any accountability he might take for the given situation. The first phrase where this occurs is, "and certainly Stepan Arkadyevitch had many debts and was decidedly short of money." Tolstoy mirrors Stepan's thoughts here in not saying that Stepan had incurred many debts or inherited many debts or recently worked his way into debt. Tolstoy completely passes over blame in general and in so doing shows us that Stepan himself does. It's not Stepan's fault he's in debt (or anyone else's since he's an easy-going guy, not one to blame), it just happened. Just a little later in the boook it becomes very clear where the blame does lie - and that is undeniably with Stepan.

The second phrase where this occurs is, "and family life certainly afforded Stepan Arkadyevitch little gratification, and forced him into lying and hypocrisy, which was so repulsive to his nature." Again, we see the detachment from blame. In fact, this pharse is stronger than the first. Things didn't just happen to him. In this case, Stepan was forced. Tolstoy uses the passive form of this verb (was forced) to say that Stepan's actions in no way contributed to his lying and hypocrisy, but that he had no choice. Moreover, Tolstoy underlines Stepan's belief that marriage should "afford him" gratification - that it should give it to him. Tolstoy writes to underline the deficit of thought that occurs in the assumption that he deserves something from a marriage in which he has shown no sign of taking an active part.

Finally, this detachment from blame, occurs again in this third phrase, "and Stepan Arkadyevitch could never get through even a short service without his legs aching from standing up, and could never make out what was the object of all the terrible and high-blown language about another world..." Tolstoy relieves, in the name of irony, Stepan of any accountability by saying that he 'could not' and 'could never' - that attending to these religious duties was actually impossible for Stepan. Tolstoy, in mirroing Stepan's thoughts, shows us that Stepan does not understand that he makes choices - and that they necessarily have consequences. And Tolstoy ridicules him, by exposing Stepan's choice to side-step blame and thus relinquish any personal power. Again, Tolstoy infantilizes him and describes him as he might a child.

Stepan Arkadyevitch was undoubtedly a silly man. But his personality is a universality, I do believe. We take such strong opinions, but do we really know the facts? Can we really know? Or are we just doing another version of "mommy said..." What do we really know? Why is it so hard for us to realize the complexities and difficulties of any given situation.

Further, don't we often step aside and say things are not our fault - that are? But every time we say - it's not my fault - we also give away a little power. We say "I am incapable" meaning that we say "I also do not have the power to change this problem," and we lie to ourselves.

That is the problem with some liberals and some conservatives today (however, I happen to be surrounded by the liberals so they annoy me more). In every group there are people who genuinely want the world to be a better place - no one party or group or religion or lifestyle holds the corner on that. Getting there, truly moving forward though, is so complex. None of us can be sure about what the right decision is - we can only think about it, research on it, talk together, and then make the best of the outcome. Yet, some people seem so sure that we know the magic bullet that will change the world around if people would just get off their self-interested asses and listen...!

And this is where I am a little conservative. I want things to get better - bit by bit. But what we have in America, though flawed, though problematic, though hard, works. It is possible to succeed. We do have our freedom to try (and thus to fail). Our rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, are protected and fought for every day - just as the founding fathers would have wanted. I think people who want a complete overhaul are missing a few things.

1) The truth of this world is - no one owes us anything. We don't deserve anything. We live in a country where we work together for the common good so we can be afforded some basic rights. But, just like Stepan Arkedyevitch thinks coming together with another person should result in his own gratification without putting in the necessary work, so do we think that living in a country should result in our own gratification without putting in similar work. We can make it here. We just need to realize that it is up to us. There's nothing wrong with that.

2) We are safe. Unbelievably safe. In a domestic and international sense. Domestically, why do we have more supposed crime than European countries then? (My opinion is...) Because we expect safety - thus, when there is a problem - we report it. I'm not sure the Europeans expect safety. You can't assume the water quality is decent here, or that the car emissions standards are up to par. Moreover, I went to a university in the states that was in a very poor area - and so I lived in a very poor area. (Not the worst - there are some very bad places of course.) But anyway, where I lived I wouldn't think twice about leaving, for example, my backpack in my car when I went to class or while I ran into a food place to get something to eat. Here, in the south of France, even in affluent areas - no one would leave a bag in the car because it WILL get stolen - right from your own driveway. I've had a bag snatched out of the back seat of my car through an open window while I was IN the car - and I was not in a bad area. They all have locked, gated, fences around their houses because otherwise people just take up residence and they can't get them out. And these are in affluent as well as middle-class areas. You can report these things there but - why bother?

Further, on an international level - we have an ocean between us and most real danger. It is amazing what that has done for us, that ocean. It has encapsulated us, keeping us sheltered, and protected for most of the last two hundred years. And I think it has allowed us to take for granted our international safety in this world. September 11th rocked the boat of complacency a bit - and I'm glad it did though it was a terrible thing that happened. But we could all die - something could go terribly wrong - our system could fall - if we let it. (Iran has just figured out the engineering for a step toward creating nuclear weapons - heaven forbid - and people need to realize the danger of that - luckily most countries are taking stands against Iran's latest actions but...). We KNOW that this system works enough that we can all fumble along on our merry way and not expect to be bombed. But if we make dramatic changes to our system (like many activists of various things want) - we may end up weakening it. And if we think it is a good idea to weaken ourselves we are being extremely naive about the true and real dangers of this world which our country protects us from so well that we don't even know we are being protected.

3) So, yes, let's all work for change. (Though I think an important first step would be if we could, especially the ones who want change so much, just all be a little more loving to the people who are actually in our lives. I am very irritated by bitchy activists - do they not see the hypocrisy involved in their self-righteousness?) But let's not take apart what we have - let's move forward with it. Block by block. It has gotten better over the years - it will get better - but until something else is proven to work better - maybe in the form of another country that had nothing to lose by starting anew - lets not tear apart what works from its very foundations. And instead of focusing on the negatives, let's be grateful for what we have in the states. We are an ungrateful nation, many of us, and that saddens me. So many people in this world live such hard lives - never have even a chance.

That's all.

The Truly Creative Mind - Pearl S. Buck

2006-04-13T20:26:00.000+02:00

Off another forum...

"The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this:

A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.

To him... a touch is a blow,

a sound is a noise,

a misfortune is a tragedy,

a joy is an ecstasy,

a friend is a lover,

a lover is a god,

and failure is death.

Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create - - - so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating."

-Pearl S. Buck

The Too Many Aptitudes Problem

2006-04-13T19:42:00.000+02:00

WOW! Great article I just got off a forum...it's about people who have too many talents and the problems that can cause. It actually really speaks to my last couple posts and the anguish I was feeling at my lack of motivation. If you're interested here it is...

The Too Many Aptitudes Problem

I am an INFP and that's all right. Right???

2006-04-12T20:00:00.000+02:00

I always want to be better than I am - a better person, a more accomplished person, a more responsible person, a more social person - to try to acheive a few of my ever-multiplying goals. I have a hard time feeling okay with myself and am constantly searching for ways to grow, improve, and do it better this time round. Perhaps, I just think too much - I can never just distract myself and just move on.

At the same time, I probably love myself and take care of myself (in a healthy way) more than most people I know. I am always such a mass of contradictions...

In other words, I am a classic INFP...

I really like this description of INFPs on the Personality Page. Here are some of the descriptions I really relate to...(actually - I ended up putting the entire description in this post because they just described me that well - the blues are the description).

INFPs, more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives? They are idealists and perfectionists, who drive themselves hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselves.

When I was young I was driving in my car with my (very likely INFP - though she thought she was ENFP) mother, I turned to her and asked, "Why are we here mom? What is our purpose?" (I wonder if other 8 year olds ask these questions in all seriousness.) I remember very clearly her response. It has guided most of my behavior the rest of my life, "We are here to help others. And we are here to make the world a better place for others." I truly believed her then and I suppose I still do now. I constantly feel, though, like I'm not doing well enough...the fault of my endless drive for perfection perhaps. I hope that I may one day learn to just let go. Now, oddly enough, read the last sentence of the next paragraph because I typed those words - my mother's words, as I remembered them, in an essay I wrote a while ago before I ever saw this personality page article.

INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP's value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life. The goal at the end of the path is always the same - the INFP is driven to help people and make the world a better place.

Yes. And especially ... I am highly intuitive about people. It leaves me very alone sometimes. How can you be mad at someone when you know why they hurt you and that it wasn't personal - just them acting out their own insecurities. Anger spurts out of a feeling of being wounded or betrayed or treated unjustly. I feel these ways but I know that the person didn't want to hurt me truly - truly they love me - but that it was their own weaknesses which made them act that way. I also usually understand the ways in which I have contributed to their actions in the first place. Moreover, if I'm upset I use words, not actions or yelling, to explain how I felt when they did whatever they did. So, because I don't push, I don't punish, and I don't manipulate (generally) I'm often the one not taken care of in one way or another. I don't know if anyone out there would understand this, but it is true. And, because I'm so complex, and in conscious charge of my body language, tone of voice, or any other visible reaction, so often people cannot see that I am unhappy, or at least not feel it, and when they finally can, they have no idea what to do about it.

My intuitiveness and my tendency to take care of people, was never a problem, however, as long as my mother was alive. She took care of me. When she died, I was completely lost for two years. Lost and alone. No one seemed to be capable of just standing by with me through it - even though they loved me. Thank goodness, I found my boyfriend, INFP (or J - I get confused) that he is, because he gets it. He gets all of it. Highly, highly intuitive and so genuinely loving and aware of himself.

Generally thoughtful and considerate, INFPs are good listeners and put people at ease. Although they may be reserved in expressing emotion, they have a very deep well of caring and are genuinely interested in understanding people. This sincerity is sensed by others, making the INFP a valued friend and confidante. An INFP can be quite warm with people he or she knows well.

Yes. This has always been true. I am the one to talk to and people say I am very warm. But I know this without anyone telling me.

INFPs do not like conflict, and go to great lengths to avoid it. If they must face it, they will always approach it from the perspective of their feelings. In conflict situations, INFPs place little importance on who is right and who is wrong. They focus on the way that the conflict makes them feel, and indeed don't really care whether or not they're right. They don't want to feel badly. This trait sometimes makes them appear irrational and illogical in conflict situations. On the other hand, INFPs make very good mediators, and are typically good at solving other people's conflicts, because they intuitively understand people's perspectives and feelings, and genuinely want to help them.

Yes. This is a perfect description. I don't want to feel badly. I am very emotional so when I feel badly, I feel very, very badly - like the air has been knocked from my lungs, and my stomach has lost its capacity to expand for breaths. Also, the world's rules seems almost unreal to me. Truly they are shifting, ambiguous, and uncertain. Because I can always see the other side, the other perspective (or perspectives as the case may be), it is really hard for me to know how to place blame - a little like I was writing up above. People do terrible things sometimes - but it is rarely completely spontaneous - negative emotions, situations, perceptions, insecurities drive them. It's hard for me, who is not that person, to feel that I can account for every factor in a situation enough to judge them. So, in the end, regardless of right or wrong, my point is the negative emotion and the desire to change the emotion to a more positive one and not have it occur again for the same reason - somehow - usually through talking out how it happened and how it made each of us feel.

INFPs are flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated. In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause. When an INFP has adopted a project or job which they're interested in, it usually becomes a "cause" for them. Although they are not detail-oriented individuals, they will cover every possible detail with determination and vigor when working for their "cause".When it comes to the mundane details of life maintenance, INFPs are typically completely unaware of such things. They might go for long periods without noticing a stain on the carpet, but carefully and meticulously brush a speck of dust off of their project booklet.

YES. Like I"ve written elsewhere, terrible time doing laundry etc... but great when I really care - I guess when I have a cause...and so forgiving, so bending until you hit a value - and then there is no moving me (even I can't move me when I try).

INFPs do not like to deal with hard facts and logic. Their focus on their feelings and the Human Condition makes it difficult for them to deal with impersonal judgment. They don't understand or believe in the validity of impersonal judgment, which makes them naturally rather ineffective at using it. Most INFPs will avoid impersonal analysis, although some have developed this ability and are able to be quite logical. Under stress, it's not uncommon for INFPs to mis-use hard logic in the heat of anger, throwing out fact after (often inaccurate) fact in an emotional outburst.

I've become proficient at sorting through the facts that I want to throw at people and at making sure that those facts are accurate before I do so. This is because (honestly) I think I have a decent point - regardless of whether I am right or wrong - and I want to be seen as reasonable, and well-researched, and cool headed so as to not be discredited. Also, I took some vigorous honors seminars in college which really taught me how to research well and argue persuasively. I do enjoy logic.

There was a time, however, when I discriminated between facts and untruths with much less accuracy. At the time, I hardly thought about it. It was natural because to me the meaning is the same regardless of the exact content of the statment. I would not dare get the meaning wrong. I am the type of person who will tell a story about what I did yesterday, as if it happened yesterday - without really noticing that it actually happened four weeks ago - just because it seems inconsequential to me when it happened. If I take a second to think I won't make that mistake, but if I don't take the second to think - I end up fibbing because I don't even register it as an untruth without hard thought - it is merely an unimportant detail.

INFPs have very high standards and are perfectionists. Consequently, they are usually hard on themselves, and don't give themselves enough credit. INFPs may have problems working on a project in a group, because their standards are likely to be higher than other members' of the group. In group situations, they may have a "control" problem. The INFP needs to work on balancing their high ideals with the requirements of every day living. Without resolving this conflict, they will never be happy with themselves, and they may become confused and paralyzed about what to do with their lives.

Refer to my first paragraph. Yes.

INFPs are usually talented writers. They may be awkard and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they're feeling on paper. INFPs also appear frequently in social service professions, such as counselling or teaching. They are at their best in situations where they're working towards the public good, and in which they don't need to use hard logic.

Talented writer - well, you judge - though I'm really just spitting stuff out uncensored and unedited here. I finally differ from something in this INFP description though - I am different because I am talented at speaking in front of an audience. I have trouble in groups of my peers when I'm on a level with them - I stumble over words, become very quiet, or am incredibly self-conscious. But when I'm leading or on stage - I perform very well, completely naturally. I've learned to overcome the peer level trouble to some extent - however, it will never be easy. For this reason, I take pride in my hard-won ability to fool people into thinking I'm actually a very extroverted person. Because, I'm really not. Regardless of how it seems, it still takes a LOT of energy for me - I'm not sure the price is always worth it.

INFPs who function in their well-developed sides can accomplish great and wonderful things, which they will rarely give themselves credit for. Some of the great, humanistic catalysts in the world have been INFPs.

I hope so...the most frustrating thing is that I'm aware, intelligent, capable - but sometimes it's like I just don't have the energy or the drive or something. It's all sitting in there waiting to be used and I DON'T use it. Lately, I've started to think that perhaps I'm using more energy than I was aware in order to 'extrovert' and to keep the 'mundane' details of my life together which so often feel they are slipping out of my control. I feel so held back by myself though. I know what to do - and I want to do it - why don't I just do it?

I also really like this link a lot - there's nothing on it I don't really agree with about who I am: INFP page.

I like finding this stuff because it is so validating. Keirsey, who wrote a very popular book on the personality types Please Understand Me also has a good page to explain a lot of this stuff. For that link click here.

To take the test yourself - well, a short but decent internet version - click here.

Bipolar Disorder, Creativity, and Vitamin B

2006-04-10T18:46:00.000+02:00

Bipolar 2

I am often quite depressed and I do believe I have a very mild case of bipolar 2 - which means I do not get manic, merely hypomanic, and spend a good deal of my time depressed. I know several people very well who are bipolar 2 (that in itself is a symptom - bipolar people tend to find each other). And have had some very painful experiences as of late. And please do believe I am not saying this lightly.

Bipolar and Creativity

As a sidenote, many of our world's greatest poets were bipolar - as it turns out - as are many other creative people - often resulting in their eventual suicide. As a result of that and studies of many other enormously creative people who often turn out to be bipolar - the possible link between creativity and bipolar has become very controversial. Kay Redfield Jamison writes a book on this very thing called, Touched By Fire. She has bipolar herself - a rather severe form - and seems to think the link is quite conclusive. Nevertheless, she leaves us with the idea that though bipolar may not cause creativity, nor creativity cause bipolar, when the two collide in one person, the bipolar may aid the creativity tremendously. Hard to know. In my experience the great pain I've felt and the great passion I've felt (both partly due to being somewhat bipolar) are necessary in driving me forward to write, to sing, to create - and to do those things well because of the genuine emotion I've lived through.

Bipolar Disorder and Vitamin B

But anyway, I've started taking vitamin B supplements and making sure to eat my fruits and green veggies again (like I used to several years ago) and oh my goodness!!! Life is better...the power of nutrition is incredible. My mother always told me that we (in my family) were constitutionally different (maybe because we had an unlabelled predisposition to bipolar disorder - not surprising if one looks back at the eccentric behavior of my family) and cannot eat sugar the way other people can and must eat very nutritionally. My grandmother used to say we were constitutionally deficient. My mother always took a vitamin B supplement. Anyway, having done this for two weeks I find: I am not hypomanic and not depressed. Rather, I am okay. And that is more than fine!!!

If you are interested the vitamin B supplement you would want is a B-complex which supplies 50 mg at least of each type of vitamin B (there are five I think or six), make sure it has B9, folic acid. A multi-vitamin once a day is almost definitely not supplying enough - although if you feel better then that's what you're going for. You should be able to feel the difference.

I would be really interested to hear any of your personal experiences with any of this stuff and your opinions. I am aware that yours might be very different from mine - and that's okay! I'd love to know why! Always looking for more information....leave a comment....

Jenniebee

The Magic of Learning Language

2006-04-10T18:03:00.000+02:00

I teach 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade French students English twice a week. I am astounded by the way they learn, how quickly they pick things up, and the magic that is learning language.

Children do not need the definitions, the sentence structure formulations, the conjugation charts (like adults do) to learn. Instead, they just start to understand. After having been teaching mostly in English since fall (usually I only used French to discipline) now I have switched entirely to English. The most used classroom phrase has now become, "No French!!" with huge grins and pointing fingers (occassionally at me when I goof :) ). And I am absolutely amazed by how much this change in classroom policy has effected their ability to understand. I can use words they've never heard of, in a normal tone of voice, with only the normal gesturing I might use to anyone, and they all understand! What? Children have magic to them.

I am very proud of all of them this year - they have done fantastically - and, with no training in teaching, this has been a great year for me to uncover one of my gifts and learn how it works.

I must add, however, that I've also done four years of summer camp, two years after school day camp, a semester as an assistant teacher at a Montessouri school, an intensive ABA therapy summer school program for special needs children, and was a respite counselor for an autistic child for a year. So, I was not completely unprepared.

Anyway, some things I've learned about teaching in the past few years:

1) I've learned (partly from observing the way I learn) the most powerful tool is the child's own intrinsic interest. Let's use teaching language for example. We all, as people, have more or less of a desire to belong, be accepted, communicate and bond with other people (essentially these all combine to make up one of Maslow's needs in his hierarchy of needs). So, what better motivational tool could there be than the child's own genuine interest in communicating and bonding with others? Children like to talk to their teachers (if their teachers like to talk to them), children like to be liked, children like to feel secure, children like to know their boundaries. So, in my language classes, for example, saying 'no french' forces them to do what they're motivated to do anyway in a new, productive, challenging way. And they do!!! They come up with new sentences (that I never taught them) and questions all the time. It's fantastic! I love teaching.

2) I read in one of the articles which I posted elsewhere that introverted children often feel left out in school (though often they are very intelligent) because they have a hard time working past the outbursts of more extroverted others. Not just for them, but for all children who just can't handle the chaos (many ADD children, learning disabled children, children with auditory processing difficultly, and children who are just having a hard time understanding), it is necessary to set up a structured classroom where there is some degree of routine, where people speak one at a time, and where some rowdiness is allowed in the name of learning - but only as the teacher wills it. This is essential for those who are often left behind.

3) It is very important to not forget about the individual while managing the group. To encourage the child's own interest, I have found it enormously helpful to just make sure I make real eye contact with every single person in that class every time I hold a class. People like good grades but they LOVE recognition - and most are craving it. And there's no reason not to give it to them - it's highly motivating. So, when I make eye contact I take an extra second to give that child a special look - a look of approval, a smile of encouragement, a look of conspiracy (if the child always knows the answers and I just can't call on him again), a look of acknowledgement for a job well done, a look of excitement at their discovery - something to say, "We have connected today. I have seen you. You are valuable here. And look at what you've done or are doing!!" However, this must all be done quickly so that one does not lose control of the group.

Now, I have a lot more to learn - and will be learning it next year I'm sure - that will be trial by fire unlike any other experience I have been through. But I have a lot of tricks in my bag and, most importantly, I can figure out what motivates people - once you figure out the function of a behavior (I learned in my ABA behavioral therapy camp) - why they are doing it in other words - you can figure out another way to fill that need. And I'm good at that. I have an empathic mind after all. :)

Any comments? Feel free . . .

As an afterthought - today I made a girl cry. I was a little surprised - she was drawing during class and I went right up to her and said no, looked at her firmly, and took the drawing from her - not in a mean way, just firmly. Most of the children in my classes are excited to participate and spend much of the class with big smiles. She is often unwilling and seems like she thinks its uncool (which it is - honestly - but that's part of my charm - I love doing this stuff anyway and I work hard to make an atmosphere where cool does not matter). Anyway, she is always a little rude, so I was suprised that my just saying no to her hurt her so much. She must want to please me more than I realized. But that just shows that children listen more than we think. It still makes me sad to think about - but now I have learned something about her - she is more sensitive than I realized - as kids often are. And if we don't overuse our nay-saying, it holds quite a bit of power. At least, she was smiling again by the end of the class, and I had her answer a couple questions (giving her a smile look when she was right) so she knew she was forgiven.

English Assistantship in France

2006-04-09T21:25:00.000+02:00

English Assistantship in France

This program, offered through the French National Education Ministry, is really quite a gem. It is somewhat disorganized - so don't expect to figure out where you're going to be placed, or if you have the job, or what it's going to entail, as soon as you would like. Things do work out though, and despite the disorganization, this is one of the only easy ways to get a work visa for a 6,7, or 9 month work contract in France. You get paid (not much but kinda enough) and you get real experience standing in front of a classroom teaching - if that's what you want (9 month contract), or you can just help out (7 month contract), or you can end up doing almost nothing like my roommate (6 month contract). Plus, you can't help but gain some fluency in French.

Anyway, all in all I have had a wonderful experience. Everything went very smoothly. I found a great apartment, good roommate, and some friends. I have a wonderful school with intelligent, interested, hard-working students with whom I've seen great results and had a great time. The teachers have been supportive, the director (principal) helpful, and the 'supervisors' completely negligent (which is just the way I like it).

If you want someone to hold your hand - do not do this program. You come here all alone. You are really not well prepared. The people here, who maybe are or maybe are not supposed to meet you, are as uncertain of what's going on as you are - and you are likely to be left to your own devices to work your way through the bureaucratic jungle which is the French government - a difficult task I assure you.

But, if you want to have a great opportunity and are up for the challenge - this is well worth the pains. I work 12 hours a week in the south of France - and the rest of the time I can do as I want. I live a twenty minute walk from the mediterranean so I sunbathe a lot, go to the markets, go sit in a cafe. It's not exactly luxury living - I get some government aid for my housing (160 a month), since I don't get paid much - 740 euro a month - but actually between those two things, and some tutoring and babysitting, I make enough to live off of with the occassional couple hundred dollars thrown in from my dad every few months.

If you have any questions on it feel free to make a comment - I'll tell you all you need to know.

Introversion

2006-04-09T20:29:00.000+02:00

Introversion

I have discovered I am introverted...I would never have known (although I might've guessed) until I made my recent voyage into another land (France) for the year long stay which is just about coming to a close. I came here as a part of a program to teach English in public schools (btw. if you want to do it all you need is a bachelor's degree - go to the French National Education Ministry site, and look under the teaching assistants program info section for more information. I'll write another post about it after this one if you interested).

But, so here I am in France, surrounded by, and roommating with, other Americans who are just not at all like me. It has been a unique experience. I am, what some might call, rather serious by nature. I enjoy deep, meaninful conversations, going out with small groups of people I care about, and having time by myself to do my music, or my poetry, or to stare into space or whatever, I'm not athletic but I like nature, I am emotional, I am sensitive, I am thoughtful....

And then there is my roommate - who, actually I am quite fond of - but may, in this way, be my exact opposite. She MUST be with others or she just wilts - and the more the better - she is not particularly discriminatory - she just likes to be with others. I love her to death and she is very likely to supply a good deal of fun wherever she is, but we are just so DIFFERENT.

And that difference drives me crazy! I need to be alone - she does not - and neither do the people we hang out with here. In the beginning I tried hopelessly to keep up with their practically daily outings (on top of my teaching three full days a week - not much, but still) and feigning interest in their clothing, their weight worries, their movie star crushes, but I just couldn't handle it after a while. Where had all the meaning gone?

Plus, I felt overwhelmed - I guess. I got sick. I got the flu for a week. And not from the partying, or the drinking, or the staying out late. I think I got sick because of the stress of being around other people that much - specifically other people with whom I couldn't show most of myself.

Not that I was hiding myself. I wasn't. Everything I could I showed, and I was always honest. But they clearly displayed no interest in my music, or discussing life and why we're here, or even playing a good competitive card game. We're just different.

Finally, I discovered why - I'm an introvert - they are very extroverted. They are genuine, loving, creatures - but to a greater or lesser extent - they do before they think; they are less sensitive; they need much more external stimulation; they love to have FUN (I find, that really, I don't really care if I have fun); they are energized by having other people around; they bond over doing things together - not, like me, over discussing things together. This is what I've found.

And it is exhausting for me. I am also a giving person. So, when I see a need, I have a hard time restraining myself from attending to it. I guess I'm just kinda complex so I think they don't really see my needs - and when they do they don't know what to do about them. I'm rather intense sometimes. But I feel like they're taking my energy and I need to go recharge.

But I'm coming to terms with my need for space - and learning that maybe I shouldn't even have a roommate - or that I should have a slightly introverted one. I need lots of time to be my quirky self - it is the time in which I'm my most creative, my most thoughtful, my most productive. I would not be me without it. And I love to read - can't really do that with a group of people - or not the same anyway.

The book The Introvert Advantage was very helpful for me in identifying myself as an introvert and then also helpful in realizing the benefits of this type of person - the site has some basic information on the topic.

To read/learn more about introversion, here are some links available on the net that I really like:

This article Introversion: The Often Forgotten Factor Impacting the Gifted I found very interesting.

For something more humorous and basic I absolutely love, as I stated above, How to Care for your Introvert.

Anyway, that's it for this for now...but will be more later - basic points on introversion.

And it doesn't mean you aren't very social - my social skills are quite good - thank you - but they are that - social skills - they are not completely natural - although they come naturally after all these years of practice. :)

Poetry - A Gentler Place

2006-04-09T19:50:00.000+02:00

a poem for commentary - does this mean someone could steal it if I don't get it copyrighted??? or is it safe here? please write if you know the answers! or if you have anything to say about the poem... hmmm.... okay, well I would love some comments. Please don't be mean - but definitely be straightforward - good comments first so I know goodwill is intended. I am a sensitive INFP afterall. :P not that I wouldn't continue to write anyway - can't seem to help it...

A gentler place

I was...

Heavily shrouded dull with grey,
til softly colored by your voice,
til artistic fingers felt for always,
deftly molded ‘spired choice.

Now...

Pale, dark blue, from the faith of you,
I'm shielded too from a searing sun.
Of brightness freed, I've retried, revived,
And secure at last, I've come undone.

Cause...

You've dimmed down the painful glare,
Tenderly stroking you glazed my world.
Repainting harshness with intricate care,
rich landscapes from your brush unfurled.

So...

Loving you has grabbed me,
Into a gentler place,
Where quiet reigns intensely,
In a vibrant world's embrace.

For my poors thoughts which I have oft forced quiet :)

2006-04-09T18:56:00.000+02:00

I am starting this blog because I think a lot. I'm very interested by personality, or soul, or mind, or thought, or spirit - whatever one would like to call them - and I am constantly driven to make connections and pull things together - look at how they work together. In this blog, I intend to write on the new ideas I pull into my understanding of myself which I often then generalize to others.

Now, several things will impede my progress as I begin this blog:

Number 1 is my constant self-criticism. I cannot write without critiquing what I write, rewriting it in my head, wanting desperately to make it better - more witty, more caring, more understandable, more complex. But, alas, in this blog - it is only a blog after all - I will refrain as best I can and hope my meaning comes through.

Number 2 is my ADD - one of the things I will be writing about (with luck) in the blog. I am passionate, creative, intelligent, very understanding, driven, and accomplished. On the other hand, I tend to start things I don't finish, procrastinate, become disorganized, and think associatively instead of linearly (meaning I have a hard time writing in a line, my thoughts always take me off on little tangents - sometimes this is a good thing, sometimes just irritating). For example, right now I desperately want to talk about ADD but I'm trying to maintain my linearity. Yet, perhaps that is a fight I'd be best surrendering to - perhaps a little subject wandering would actually be charming.

Number 3 is my extreme desire to connect to other people. I suppose, in my associational thinking sort of way, I thought of this now when it really belongs up top under why I'm writing this blog in the first place - shall I move it - or shall I continue? This is not a school essay after all. Well, anyway, that desire to please, if I offend or make people angry on this blog, might stop me from continuing it. However, it also might help if people understand what I'm saying.

Number 4 is that I've never written a blog before - never read too many and don't really understand them...not sure how the mechanics work and mechanics are not my strongsuit (because of my ADD explained above).

Now, about me -

I am an INFP though everyone (except my roommate who watches with amazement as I stay reading a book in bed all day for several days in a row) would think I was a normal, social, cheerful extrovert - but more on that later. I am very intuitive and understanding, though, sad to say (or is it - perhaps it's for the best), I am not psychic. I do, however, find that a deep conversation - or a not so deep one depending on the other person - gives me a pretty clear view into why another person does what they do - their motivation - and what their insecurities and hopes are.

I am creative, thoughtful, and considerate. I would love to find someone else who is these things to talk to - who REALLY understands themselves (self-awareness is the first step I do believe as does Krishnamurti - perhaps more on him later - very good but it seems to me he's missing something) and cares about this world, about other people, who wants to find meaning in their life.

Anyway, I am also ADD. Many books, such as Lynn Weiss's books on ADD and creativity, I think are on the right track - in that perhaps ADD is not merely a deficit, but in some ways an advantage...associational thinking is tricky, but if you can harness it's wild untamed ways - sometimes it can take you a long way. However, I struggle, STRUGGLE, with minimal tasks like getting my laundry done, paying a bill (I have the money - it's sending the check that's hard - where are those damn stamps and envelopes when you need them????), telling my phone company I will be cancelling their services as I am moving, etc. Daily life is very difficult for me.

(NOTE TO SELF - things in bold are ideas for later discussion)

But as an intelligent (ok, this is a blog, no one knows me, I will be arrogant - or as the love of my life says, "not conceited, convinced"), - as a gifted introverted empathic person, I have the ability to focus my concentration on things I'm passionate about (and we'll have to see, for example, if the passion for this blog lasts or this will be the only post I ever make) for huge amounts of time and really devote myself. So, I do make some headway in acheivements despite the disorganization that the ADD causes and the overwhelm of being an introvert and a HSP (highly sensitive person) (another thing I am that I will be talking about with passion's will.)

Finally, I am young - 22 - and perhaps have not experienced enough yet to know what I'm talking about - but I've probably spent as much time in thought and observation as your average 55 year old - well maybe (I'm an P in the Meyers Briggs so it's hard for me to make certain statements) - but anyway, I think so. And I use 'anyway' a lot to bring myself away from the subject back to the point at hand. I graduated college last year with highest honors and a double major in English and Psychology, am living in France teaching English for the year, and next year will, if all goes well (though I've been accepted so it should) will be working as a Fellow teaching highschool English in disadvantaged areas of NYC. I lost my mother to breast cancer two and a half years ago when I was 19. She was a very strong, very intelligent, very loving woman, and that changed my world forever - but has resulted in a huge amount of growth for which I'm thankful in the end.

My interests: music (voice, guitar (very basic), writing music, some comp synth stuff), poetry, PEOPLE, life/death, religion (as a philosophical question - I am not 'religious' persay but am in some ways), empathy, intuition, ADD, bipolar, French, life's meaning, creativity, writing, meyers-briggs, introversion/extroversion, giftedness, genius, love (mature, romantic, ideal), reading, philosophy, education (specifically the best way to teach/learn - policy - local/domestic/international), nutrition (slightly against medicine) and politics (not really liberal - I know, I went to a liberal school and had liberal parents and have liberal friends - go ahead, tear me up - but at least wait til I blog on it). Whew. I even tire myself out. And there are more things - but I've been trying to narrow down - although I seem not to have done as well as I thought now that I look at this list. But anyway, I like to bring everything and anything in together. Because I don't believe you can look at life, humanity, a soul as anything but a part of something very large.

Please, if you are interested in ANY of this stuff - and I don't know how this works - how anyone will even view this post - but If you are interested by any of it - or something in what I've written connects to you - or if you have any opinions and would like a debate - I am up for it!!!!
I would love to hear from you....

I am understanding so say whatever you want - but try not to be mean - that just makes me sad...

And if the passion strikes I will be posting a lot more, probably highly controversial posts, on many things...so I hope to hear from some of you!

Jenniebee